"He's not going to smite you."

After 3 weeks of not going to church or youth group at all, I went. I went to Soul Phish practice expecting the usual singers to be there since no one called off. I was the only singer. And, to make matters worse, my vocal chords are strained, and singing anything at all hurts. Marissa showed up later, but I was still extremely pissed. 1- No one freakin called!!!!!!! 2- I couldn't sing! My voice was shot, and I need to save what I have left because I have about 6 gigs for Trebs in the next 3 weeks, plus a choir concert on the 14th. And 3- I felt as though I didn't deserve to be up there leading because I couldn't give my all to God. I barely had a singing voice, and I felt as though I was short handing Him. He deserves 150% percent of me. He gave me my voice for a reason, and I wasn't able to give back to Him. I didn't want to give Him anything but everything. I told Juanita, and she said that I was giving Him everything I had. I was up there trying and using the little voice I did have. And, that He wasn't going to smite me because I didn't have my usual voice. He was happy that I was up there leading others in worship though my voice was gone. That made me feel a little better, but I still feel like I ripped Him off.

What made me extremely pissed though, was Rachel showed up to youth group complaining she was sick. Those words out of her mouth broke the last nerve she was dancing on! I love her to death don't get me wrong, but the events of the day had made me so angry with her. Kirsten had work. Find, I understand, but she had no excuse. This is the third time my vocal chords have been strained, and I'm still singing. Being sick is no excuse. It may sound bad, but it's not about us!!! And, that's really all she thinks about. I've had many a conversations with her, and whenever she brings up that she doesn't want to sing because she's sick and it'll sound bad, I hold back my frustration and anger. It's not about us, but she's caught up in that. I want for her to see that He gave people a good singing voice to WORSHIP HIM!! Not sing songs with curse words in it or for our own fame and glory, but HIM!!! I'm at the edge, and I wish more people would do things for God and not themselves. UGHHHHHH!!!!

And to start my day off, my stupid self stayed up until 12 last night, got up too late, my shower took too long, and I missed seeing my Sarah at church who I never get to see and miss more than anything! My dad said he got back to the church when she was in the parking lot ready to leave. I was soooo mad! I just want this day to be over! Or, this whole break to start over. What I would give.....