disappointed, discouraged, ashamed, embarrassed, and low

I've never felt so disappointed, discouraged, ashamed, embarrassed, and low in my life. I practiced my solo a million times and nailed it each time. But, that was only at voice lessons.

The night before contest, I was starting to feel anxoius, excited, and nervous. My friend Mike encouraged me and I settled down a little. I went to bed, looking forward to ISSMA the next morning. I got up and didn't feel nervous at all. But, as I started getting ready and driving there, I was scared to death. There were little things that I was worried about in my song, and I tried singing it in the car on the way, but I forgot the words. It definitely made things nerve-wrecking. But, I called my friend Anna, who was getting ready for a track meet in Virginia, and she made me feel a lot better. I was standing outside my room waiting to go in. I was shaking I was so nervous. I turned around, and my best friend Monica had actually showed up to see me sing! That kind of relieved me, because she's one of the people who helps me focus before a meet. People from choir came up to me, gave me hugs, and wished me luck, and it made me feel a tad better, but not really, because it was more pressure. I went into my room, and got ready to sing. In the room with me was Monica, my dad, Pastor Ken and Beth, LJ, Nancy Gray, Kirsten, Cheryl, Kevin, Jef and Juanita, Shannon, and Hobbs. I looked at Juanita and nodded for her to start my song. I don't really remember much after that except that my voice cracked in the middle of the song and my breath support was terrible because nerves got the best of me. I turned around to look at Juanita after I sang. I was soo angry with how I did.

I totally bombed my solo. I let everyone down, especially Hobbs. I'm in trebs. I'm not supposed to suck like I did. I had so much pressure on me that I couldn't relax. And, I don't know Shannon, and I know she was just trying to be supportive, but she really made me more nervous. After I finished singing, everyone left the room and dispersed to other rooms where other choir people were singing. I stood outside my room with Monica and my dad. I heard Juanita yell for me. I looked over and saw my card. Before I could physically get it, I saw an S on it. Not a G. I had gotten a silver, a second. I started balling. I was so pissed and angry and ashamed and disappointed. I knew I could've done better. But, I didn't. The one time my solo counted, I butchered it. I couldn't believe it. I think I cried on Monica's shoulder for 15 minutes. I was so upset. I'm not supposed to be second best. Trebs are the people who are higher than other girls. I was ashamed. I still can't believe how I did yesterday. I called Anna crying. I told her I never want to sing again. She made me feel better some. But, I was still really angry. I was going to bring home a gold for her, but I let her down. I failed. She wasn't mad at me or disappointed with how I did, but I knew I could've done better for her. I wanted that gold more than anything. People keep saying not to beat myself up over this. But, my voice is the only thing I have going for me. It's the one thing I'm good at. I knew I couldn't done better, but I blew it. And I'll never let myself down for it.