I don't know what to do or say or think anymore. Everything has been stirred up, and its really hard to settle those feelings again. They won't leave my heart and my mind. My mind has never wandered this much. But, somehow my counselor sees me progressing and says I'm doing really well.
I just don't know.
Friday, March 27, 2009
Saturday, March 14, 2009
This Way or That??
I'm frustrated and tired beyond belief. I know I decided earlier I was going to fight, but that was before I starting getting help. I'm on the fence with what to do. I want so badly to run one way, but I know I should go the other.
Why To Fight:
*I want to get better. I want all of this to end. I want to be normal. And, I know this is the only way to get that.
*At school, it was relieving to talk to Mrs. Ochman about how I was really feeling; feeling like I was worthless, feeling like I wasn't good enough, feeling like I was insignificant. I want to be able to talk more and get those feelings out, so I can get past them, and really start living.
* There are three people, who mean the world to me, who want to me go. I don't want to disappoint them or make them mad at me.
*Most important reason: God. He died for me. He never gave up when the world's sins where on Him. He wants to see me on the other end... at the finish line. I guess it's like a race: once you start you have to finish. You can't just stop in the middle or try to take different ways. You have to stick to the course... God's course, and push through the pain. Eventually, you'll make it to the end.
Why To Give Up:
*The biggest thing: I'm so exhausted and frustrated that I'm not getting anywhere. I've gone for a month now, and not even the slightest bit of change has occurred. Not even a little bit. I understand it's going to take time, but nothing has changed in the month I've gone. Why waste any more of my time with something that's not helping? Why open myself up to someone who's not helping? Why bother with any of it?
*I'm so used to it now, I can't see my life without it. It's my comfort, it's my relief. I'd be lost without it. I'm always going to be a cutter. It's who I am.
*Nobody else I know goes. Why should I? If it were normal, everyone would be going. I care a lot about what people think and going with what other people do, and this is not helping either of those. People find out I go, and life could get worse. Nobody else has a counselor, why should I?
I want so badly to give up. I want so badly to give in, and live like this forever. It sucks, but it's the easy thing to do.
My heart and mind both tell me the same thing: give up, but there's an external thought that puts me on the fence: I know it's bad, and I need help.
Why To Fight:
*I want to get better. I want all of this to end. I want to be normal. And, I know this is the only way to get that.
*At school, it was relieving to talk to Mrs. Ochman about how I was really feeling; feeling like I was worthless, feeling like I wasn't good enough, feeling like I was insignificant. I want to be able to talk more and get those feelings out, so I can get past them, and really start living.
* There are three people, who mean the world to me, who want to me go. I don't want to disappoint them or make them mad at me.
*Most important reason: God. He died for me. He never gave up when the world's sins where on Him. He wants to see me on the other end... at the finish line. I guess it's like a race: once you start you have to finish. You can't just stop in the middle or try to take different ways. You have to stick to the course... God's course, and push through the pain. Eventually, you'll make it to the end.
Why To Give Up:
*The biggest thing: I'm so exhausted and frustrated that I'm not getting anywhere. I've gone for a month now, and not even the slightest bit of change has occurred. Not even a little bit. I understand it's going to take time, but nothing has changed in the month I've gone. Why waste any more of my time with something that's not helping? Why open myself up to someone who's not helping? Why bother with any of it?
*I'm so used to it now, I can't see my life without it. It's my comfort, it's my relief. I'd be lost without it. I'm always going to be a cutter. It's who I am.
*Nobody else I know goes. Why should I? If it were normal, everyone would be going. I care a lot about what people think and going with what other people do, and this is not helping either of those. People find out I go, and life could get worse. Nobody else has a counselor, why should I?
I want so badly to give up. I want so badly to give in, and live like this forever. It sucks, but it's the easy thing to do.
My heart and mind both tell me the same thing: give up, but there's an external thought that puts me on the fence: I know it's bad, and I need help.
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