"He's not going to smite you."

After 3 weeks of not going to church or youth group at all, I went. I went to Soul Phish practice expecting the usual singers to be there since no one called off. I was the only singer. And, to make matters worse, my vocal chords are strained, and singing anything at all hurts. Marissa showed up later, but I was still extremely pissed. 1- No one freakin called!!!!!!! 2- I couldn't sing! My voice was shot, and I need to save what I have left because I have about 6 gigs for Trebs in the next 3 weeks, plus a choir concert on the 14th. And 3- I felt as though I didn't deserve to be up there leading because I couldn't give my all to God. I barely had a singing voice, and I felt as though I was short handing Him. He deserves 150% percent of me. He gave me my voice for a reason, and I wasn't able to give back to Him. I didn't want to give Him anything but everything. I told Juanita, and she said that I was giving Him everything I had. I was up there trying and using the little voice I did have. And, that He wasn't going to smite me because I didn't have my usual voice. He was happy that I was up there leading others in worship though my voice was gone. That made me feel a little better, but I still feel like I ripped Him off.

What made me extremely pissed though, was Rachel showed up to youth group complaining she was sick. Those words out of her mouth broke the last nerve she was dancing on! I love her to death don't get me wrong, but the events of the day had made me so angry with her. Kirsten had work. Find, I understand, but she had no excuse. This is the third time my vocal chords have been strained, and I'm still singing. Being sick is no excuse. It may sound bad, but it's not about us!!! And, that's really all she thinks about. I've had many a conversations with her, and whenever she brings up that she doesn't want to sing because she's sick and it'll sound bad, I hold back my frustration and anger. It's not about us, but she's caught up in that. I want for her to see that He gave people a good singing voice to WORSHIP HIM!! Not sing songs with curse words in it or for our own fame and glory, but HIM!!! I'm at the edge, and I wish more people would do things for God and not themselves. UGHHHHHH!!!!

And to start my day off, my stupid self stayed up until 12 last night, got up too late, my shower took too long, and I missed seeing my Sarah at church who I never get to see and miss more than anything! My dad said he got back to the church when she was in the parking lot ready to leave. I was soooo mad! I just want this day to be over! Or, this whole break to start over. What I would give.....

Who's there? God's calling.

I've been on the path to God again, and boy, is it a relief!!! I'm finding Him, and I'm finding my way.

A couple days ago, I got an envelope in the mail from Compassion. They sent me a letter and pictures of 6 other children who are waiting for sponsers. They asked if I'd be a temporary sponser to one or some of those kids. I want to more than anything in the world. I want to provide for them at least once. But, I don't have that kind of money. If I had all the money in the world, I'd give it to them and the other 150,000 children around the world waiting for someone or a family to sponser them. I prayed to God to somehow help me with this. I told Him I don't have the money to sponser them, but I wanted to help somehow. He answered almost immediately. I was in the middle of a nice, deep sleep (which I don't get often), and then I woke up. I was thinking "I can't do this by myself, but I can bring the joy of sponsering a child to other people and even other churches." Since I can't do this on my own, I need to ask help from my church, my friends, and go to other churches and speak on behalf of Compassion and these kids. There's this day called "Compassion Sunday" which is usually during the summer, and all the sponsers are asked to set up tables and speak in church to get more sponsers. I didn't follow through on that this past summer because I felt I wasn't ready. But, God is calling me to do this..... not during the summer, but now. However, I'm not sure if I can do this on my own. I need someone to stand by me.

After thinking a while, my calling is for children in 3rd world countries. At least right now it is. Each child deserves to have at least one thing in their life that is steady, constant. I was able to provide that to one little girl, the person that means almost everything to me, Joyce. From the first letter she ever sent me to the most recent one, she has become so much happier. Before, she wasn't sure when she would eat next. She wasn't sure if she'd make it through the winter or have clean water to drink. I brought hope to this little girl, and all I want to do is give hope to more children and give them something to count on. Also, I was watching Extreme Makeover: Home Edition. Two episodes ago, a family had adopted 6 children from Haiti. I vowed NEVER to adopt children when I'm married because of the way I turned out. But, adopting children from Haiti is sitting heavy on my heart. It's years upon years away, but I hope it's sitting as heavy, if not heavier, on my heart when I get married and am ready for kids. I want to adopt an older boy and another young one. It's my calling; I'm not going to hit the "ignore" button on Him. But, I need some support.

RIP my Asics ):

I got a new speckled molly today. My mom bought it for me. Which meant a lot to me, for some unknown reason. Anyhoo, I loved it!!! Until, my mom put it in the same tank as my black molly, Asics. They fought like no other!!! I was kinda disappointed, and I felt bad. For the my black molly and my mom. Asics was being picked on by the new fish, in her own tank! Then, I felt bad for my mom because she tried so hard to make me happy with getting me a new fish. The fish she ended up getting was a bully to my poor Asics. Off topic for a second- my mom tries soo hard to have a relationship with me by getting me stuff she thinks I may like, and all the time I feel bad if I don't like it because she's trying hard. It just makes me extremely sad when she gets something for me that I don't like because she tries hard, and I feel bad saying I don't like it, so I say I like it and keep it. Back onto what I was saying- My new fish ended up killing my Asics. It was a very sad moment. I wouldn't call myself an animal lover, but I guess I have to. I become attached to any animal almost instantly whether it's mine or not. And, whenever I get a pet, I NEVER want to bring it back because they don't deserve it. Everyone deserves a home. Maybe it's just an adopted child thing, but I wouldn't want to come home to a family and finally get a home, then be disliked and taken back. I don't know, but I feel for these animals. This time I didn't cry when my pet died, although, as I'm writing this, I really really want to. I don't get to wake up looking at Asics. I'm hoping this new fish will be kinda close to my Asics. If not, I'll be mad.
There's no Godly thing in this post, nor can I tie one in. But, I just felt like writing out my saddness and frustration.

Unbelievable!!!!

I got home from a sweet sixteen in Chicago at about 11:30. I was extremely tired, so I went straight to my room. But a few minutes later, we heard a smash outside of our house. Some druggie took out two mailboxes, almost hit a family, and totalled 2 cars. One car was still on the street, but the other was wedged between the one car and an electrical box about 4 feet from where the one car was parked. The guy was running on his rims (without tires on his car), and still stopped at a stop sign.... why, I'm not sure. One policeman managed to stop him, but as soon as he got pulled over, there were another 5 police cars there. They threw the man out of his car, and tackled him to the ground. He stayed there while the fire trucks hosed off his car since fluid was leaking from it, because basically his car was totalled, too. However, he was too high to realize it. But, thank the Lord no one got hurt, and somehow the driver didn't kill himself. It was pretty insane, though. Through all this, I saw God. You know, God shows up at the most irrelevent moments. He spared the driver, the totalled cars' owers, and the Mexican family's lives. I saw how amazing He is. The driver should be dead. He should be because his car was crushed. But, for some reason, he didn't die. And, I didn't either. If I would've come home all but a few minutes later, I may not be here right now.

Even though it's taking me a while to fully process all this, I know I am extremely grateful and thankful for the lives spared tonight. 6 lives were protected, and I seriously cannot thank God enough.

Doesn't anyone want me around?

Lately, it seems as though no one wants me around. I've heard from my friend that a person who used to be my friend thinks I'm annoying even though since I got moved to a different section in choir I never talk to her. Also, I was at a party and no one really included me. They all just kind of mingled amongst themselves. No need to acknowledge Brooke guys. That's fine. Not only in person do people make me feel unwanted, but I was asking my friend online for help, and she and I used two of the the same quotes on our paper unknowingly. She was rudely stating that we may be accused of cheating. Now, my question is, how is that when we talked about it after we wrote our papers? But anyhoo, then I told her that nothing else showed me how the character was loyal to her family and her gods. So, then she said whatever and stopped talking to me. I mean, I'm sorry, but there are probably many other people in our class who used the same quotes, too. It just makes me soo angry how I bust my butt to make other people happy before myself, and I put aside all my feelings to keep peace, and they treat me like a piece of crap. Do I not deserve to be treated any better? Or am I destined to be treated like this for the rest of my life?

Even though I feel unwanted, life seems like it's getting better. I started my devotions again. The past week has been crazy busy, and all I ever had time to do is go to school, trebs, and work and finish my homework. Now, everything is settling into a semi-less stressful routine, for lack of a better word. Also, today seemed a lot lighter than usual. Last night, I literally cried to God asking Him to help find me, and now I'm on the right path towards Him again. I handed the feelings I've been carrying around for some time over to Him. It feels amazing not being weighed down. Y'all should try it. But even though I gave Him my feelings, I still feel for one of my friends. And, always will, especially in her rough times.

I'll Stand By You

Lately, I've had two things on my mind.

1- I've been extremely busy with work and school and trebs and homework and catching up on sleep that I've been walking past God over and over again. And, I feel a million miles away. I need Him more than anything right now. I need to put everything I'm concerned about on Him and have faith in Him like I've done many times before. I used to be surrounded by just people who used inappropriate language. But, people knew they weren't allowed to use that language around me. However, recently, I've been put in a "moment" (hopefully nothing longer than that) where everyone around me smokes or has sex or does drugs. I'm in the middle of all this, and I'm lost. I can't see God at all because the devil is surrounding me. He keeps provoking me. I don't give in, but it's constant. I WANT MY GOD! Whereever I turn, the devil's there. I don't know what to do.

2- I'm really worried about one of my friends. It seems as though things are getting a tad better, emphasis on the tad. And because I don't have God close to me, I have to carry this on my own. I don't have God to put my faith in. All my praying seems to be useless. I pray every day, every night, and nothing. I'm trying with everything I have to add at least a little joy to her life. I keep hitting a brick wall, though. There's no way to get to the other side. If I had one wish, it'd be for her to be happy like she was when I met her. Sometimes, it's so frustrating I want to cry. Because I'm putting all I have into this, but I'm not getting anywhere, and it pains me how sad she is. Of all the people in the world, it had to be her, didn't it?

If my friend reads this: I couldn't say what this song is saying any better.

Oh, why you look so sad?

The tears are in your eyes

Come on and come to me now

Don't, be ashamed to cry

Let me see you through

'Cause I've seen a dark side too

When the night falls on you

You don't know what to do

Nothing you confess

Can make me love you less

I'll stand by you

I'll stand by you

I won't let nobody hurt you

I'll stand by you

So, if you're mad get mad

Don't hold it all inside

Come on and talk to me now

Hey, what you got to hide?

I get angry too

Well, I'm a lot like you

When you're standin' at the crossroads

And don't know which path to choose

Let me come along

'Cause even if you're wrong

I'll stand by you

I'll stand by you

I won't let nobody hurt you

I'll stand by you

Take me in to your darkest hour

And I'll never desert you

I'll stand by you

And when, when the night falls on you, baby

You're feelin' all alone

You won't be on your own

I'll stand by you

I'll stand by you

I won't let nobody hurt you

I'll stand by you

Take me in to your darkest hour

And I'll never desert you

I'll stand be you

Oh, I'll stand by you

I'll stand by you

Exhausted

All I've been doing is running from thing to thing this past week. I don't have any down time. It's run from school to trebs to work, or school to trebs to voice to babysit. I had one day off, Tuesday, but I had to babysit a little and write two papers. Tonight was supposed to be a day for me to relax after trebs and voice, but I had to emergency babysit. I'm stressed and drained. This week has had more 15 hour days than I've had in months combined. I don't have anymore energy to push through another day. Tomorrow, my day offically ends at 6, not 9 like every other day. School then work till 6. You have no idea how excited I am to finally be done! I mean, I love running around and being busy, but it's extremely exhausting. If I had a day off once in a while, I would totally be okay with it. And, it was supposed to be like that. Hopefully, this is the only crazy week I'll have for a while.
Lately, people have been amazing! So, things are getting a little better. I have one person who has been there for me through this, listens, and makes me feel a whole lot better. And, I truly thank him. (:

That wasn't long at all

Why does life have to suck more than rock? So far, I've had way more downs than ups, especially in the past 4 months when I thought I'd have a steady rise in life because I had made a decision to accept Christ. And, like I said, just as soon as everything looks up, it starts to drop. What am I doing wrong? Am I a bad person? What is it? I just don't understand.

Also, I'm extremely frustrated at a youth pastor who won't do anything! I told him what one of his students is doing, but he does nothing! I care deeply about this girl because I grew up with her. She's practically family, but what she's doing is not only slowly killing her, but it's going to end of making me sick! I'm sorry, but I would like to live a long life. I certainly don't have to guts to be rude and tell her to not to do it around me, but seriously, what she's doing could make me extremely sick because of my heart and asthma. I can barely breathe in the car on the way to and from school. I'm beyond worried for just her. Now I'm worried about myself. And, when cross season starts again, who knows how all that's going to effect my running. I'm pissed, I'm doubtful, and I'm worried.

Why did all of this have to happen? What have I done to deserve the pain and hurt I'm going through, plus this thing with my friend!? I'm never doing to be happy, am I?

To someone I care deeply about,

Even though we've only hung out one time, seen each other a couple times, and talk on occassion, you mean a whole lot to me. When I hear and read how sad you are, my heart breaks. No one, especially you, should have to go through this. I beg God to make you happy again. It's the only thing I pray about. And, I pray for ever about it. Sure, my life is getting better, and I'm getting happier, but nothing will be 100% better until you're happy, and you're living everyday for God like usual. You know, I was thinking. All the bad is because of the devil. But, God doesn't stop it because he's seeing if you'll break under all the pain or stay strong and faithful in Him. The devil doesn't realize that everytime he puts pain and hurt into a Christian's life, it's not helping him one bit. His plan backfires, and we just end up closer to God. I hope maybe that made you feel a tad better. I know it helped me some. I care about you a heck of a lot more than I normally care about people. Why, I'm not sure since I rarely see you. But, I care so much, and I just want you to be happy. I asked God, if it were possible to put all the hurt that's in your life into mine, so you could have hope and joy again. I also prayed that this terrible journey would soon see the light that's always at the end of the tunnel. I'm hoping whatever's going on is nearing the end. I pray with everything I have that it is. I pray with everything I have that you can be happy again. I pray with everything I have that you can be the same person I met this summer, the one who's outgoing, the one who lives each and every day for Christ, the one that I and everyone else here loves.
I Love You and I can't wait until your life is full of joy again!

Why such a short time??

Lord, I thank you for carrying me towards the top again. But, I know it's not going to last very long. Why do you do this? You give me an up, then in no time, I'm right back at the very bottom. It's hard to see the beauty all around me and the good things going on through the pain I endure at the bottom. I see it when I'm working my way back up and at the very top, but it's extremely hard to admire you when I'm down. Those downs are getting lower and lower. What have I done to deserve this? I know I lead a sinful life, but I try my hardest to live everyday for you and in you. Why do you punish me like this? Haven't I gone through this enough? Why not give me one down, instead of sliding all the way to rock bottom? I want to be close to you, Lord. I can't, though, when there's hurt and pain distracting me and holding me down. All I want to do is live for you. Give absolutely everything to you. I'm trying to see you through the bad. Lord, I need you more than anything. I want to offer up everything I have to you. But, I don't want to cut you short. You don't deserve for me to raise us sorrow and pain. You deserve happiness and joy for the works that you do. I just want to be happy, so I can help those around me. I just want to be happy, so I can show others you through me. I want to be at a steady place, so you can use me. Lord, it's difficult to grow in you when all this happens, when I know it's all going to crash again. But, I thank you for the short time I have where everything is okay.

Around and around it goes.... but good always comes of the bad

It's making it's rounds again. When every thing's fine and dandy and seemingly perfect, everything crashes. I think "this is the worst I've ever felt.", but by the many scars on my arms and thighs, I'm reminded I was there many times before. Sure, things were a lot worse then, but I felt the exact same: at the lowest of lows, giving up, nowhere else to go, no one who cared. There's one thing that's different then the other times, though. I have God with me. It does make a difference, yes, but sometimes it seems as though I'm a million miles away from Him. I get weighed down with the pain, the frustration, and the exhaustion that it's hard to get back to Him. And, because I'm held down, I add to those. But, besides looking down and seeing all the pain I've suffered before, I see how many times God has helped me, even when I hadn't accepted Him yet. He puts me through hell and I make a stupid mistake over and over again. But, there's always good that comes of the bad, right? Yes, and realizing how many times God had gotten me through things is what comes of those scars. However, I know eventually, I need to stop, which will be hard, but perhaps that's what's holding me back from being with my God. The God who has made this happen over and over again, giving me chances to change what I do as a result.
My best friend Monica read this poem to me once when I had hit rock bottom. It helped me and reassured me that God was there.

One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord.

Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.

In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand.

Sometimes there were two sets of footprints,

other times there were one set of footprints.

This bothered me because I noticed

that during the low periods of my life,

when I was suffering from

anguish, sorrow or defeat,

I could see only one set of footprints.

So I said to the Lord,

“You promised me Lord,

that if I followed you,

you would walk with me always.

But I have noticed that during the most trying periods of my life

there have only been one set of footprints in the sand.

Why, when I needed you most, you have not been there for me?”

The Lord replied,

“The times when you have seen only one set of footprints in the sand,

is when I carried you.”

A lot of the times when I can't get any lower than I already am, I question God. Why He isn't there, why He doesn't help. But, every time, I think back to this poem, and He was there. I just looked at the bad that was going on instead of trusting God and seeing that He was not only right next to me, but carrying me through it.

When it all started

Up until I was 13, life was great. I didn't have a care in the world, and I had the most amazing boyfriend who I loved with all my heart. But, the day I turned 13, everything ended up going downhill. The day itself was pretty fun; my friends threw me a surprise party. Earlier on, issues where developing in Jason and my relationship. I thought the problems would go away on their own. A month later, we ended up going on a youth trip. A day after we got there, on Saturday night, it was his birthday. I ran his present out to him, and received only a "thanks". I didn't expect much, though. I also thought maybe his present would tell him how sorry I was and how much I loved him. He didn't see it that way. The next day, we were in the elevator going down to lunch & he gave me back my school picture. That was his way of saying "we're over". It broke my heart. Life had gone from amazing to absolutely terrible. Not only did I not have him, I lost many of my friends, too, because they were friends with him. I had heard from my friends that they had cut, so I tried it. It became my new way of coping with things. On top of that, my parents and I were fighting every night, sometimes more than once. I pretty much had enough of life. I hit rock bottom & became depressed. I ended up cutting everyday; to me, it felt amazing. All my hurt & pain went into that. My parents ended up finding out, and they sent me to a counselor. That just made things worse. I never ended up going back, but continued to cut. The cutting continued to the winter of 9th grade, although it wasn't nearly as often as it was before. Only once or twice a month, every few months. I ended up getting over Jason during my freshman year. Things gradually started getting better. I had a million and one friends, I had new crushes. It seemed as though things were perfect... just in my outside life, though. In my house, my parents and I still continued to fight and scream back and forth every night. I tried many times before to run away. And, I had also thought, just thought, what would happen if I killed myself? No one would care, not even my own parents and everything would be over. To add to my parents and I not getting along, things in my youth group were going down the drain, the one place I could get away from all the fighting. I quit going to youth events and church all together. Months later, we found a new youth pastor. He moved here and gradually took over. I started going to youth group events again. I realized I never truly made the decision to accept Him. After a month of Mike teaching in youth group, I made a decision. On July 20, the day before the senior high was leaving for CIY, I talked to Mike and accepted Christ. The next day, we left for a week of God. That week was the best week of my whole summer. I grew in Him, I learned, I prayed, I worshiped Him, it was just amazing!!!! When we came home, Mike told us he was going to baptize me and Jamen on August 10. I went home and told my mom I had accepted Christ & gave her a letter I was compelled by the Holy Spirit to write telling her I really did love her and I needed her in my life & I was done fighting with her, but the reaction I got from her wasn't the one I expected to get. I felt rejected. So, I was too afraid to tell my dad, in fear I'd get the same from him. Mike told him for me. The week before the day I was supposed to talk in church and get baptized, my parents and I fought more than ever. They were being irrational about everything and started questioning my relationship with Christ. That was the roughest week I'd gone through in a long time. We fought at least 5 times a day for a whole week. They took away me getting baptized & speaking in church many times, the two things I was looking forward to more than anything. The morning of my big day, I talked in church at both services. I went home between church and the baptism. I was super excited to finally be with my God, the one who turned my life around 180 degrees, and all I wanted to do was make it offical. Once again, my parents questioned my relationship, which they had no right to do in the first place. They called me into their room and told me I wasn't mature enough and they didn't want me to get baptized because they didn't think anything was true. I had had enough and broke. We screamed back and forth for hours, ending with all of us crying. I was done fighting with my parents and them not accepting my decision. I called Abby, and she helped me understand that God made this happen because He wants my parents and I to form a relationship so they can be there when I get baptized, so I can get baptized with a solid family instead of one who fights constantly. I went back inside my house, and talked to my dad. We worked things out, but my mom and I were still hating each other. I went to youth group, and came home... but to a mom who was totally different, one who for once in my life, showed me love and compassion. Things at home started getting much much better. I was happier; I had my God, my parents, my friends, my sister, everything. The emptyness I had when I was cutting went away. Up until a week or so ago, my life had no problems. Just Christian things, like God using me for Him and His work. A week ago, I learned my mom lost her job. Also, we were really bad off, finanially, and we might have to give up our birds. I might have also lost the little girl I sponser. I thought my world was crashing again. But I turned to God. He had my back and I put all my faith in Him. I prayed every night. I prayed my mom would find a job, I prayed I would be able to find a job to support Joyce, I prayed we wouldn't have to give up our birds. God answered a few days after. He gave me a job. He let us keep the birds. I keep praying He gives my mom a job, but I just have to have faith in Him, because I know what He's doing is what's best for all of us. I continue to grow and mature in my faith each and everyday. But, when I look back at the past 3 years, there has been a lot of ups and downs.. because I didn't have God. If I had Him, things would have been easier to get through. I look back at the past 2 months and see that God has helped change my life from a living hell to a life I'm happy living. I still have minor problems, but I get through them with God. I put 100% of my faith in Him and I get through things. That's the only way to live my life truly happy. He has blessed me so much in the last 2 months, just thinking about it makes me want to cry. The only way I can thank Him is to live my life for Him and offer myself up for His use. I love my God more than anything and my number one goal is to live for Him and in Him. (: