Battling with Believing

These past few days were a heck of a weekend. I've been fighting with what I believe and what I should and shouldn't believe, and it's exhausting.

I know it's not my fault, but the problem is, I only know it's not my fault. People have said it over and over to me. I don't believe it, though. There are so many things telling me I could've prevented it, both times. I should've stayed outside. I should've had a friend come with me. I should've known better, at 13, than to go back. I should've fought harder. I should've walked instead of got dropped off before she was home. I should've waited outside. I should've waited until after she got home to even leave my house. I should've seen it coming. There are so many should have's. But, people tell me it was out of my control. I admit the first time, I couldn't really do anything, sure. I didn't know what it was. The second time though, it's harder to believe. I really wish I could understand and fully believe it wasn't my fault, but I don't know what will make me truly believe it.

I know God loves me. I know He's hurting with me. I know that. But, do I believe it? Not totally. I should not say that, or at all question that, but I do. It's really hard not to. After reading Isaiah 43:1-3, I feel a little better, and I can feel God. But I still have one conflict that I'm battling with: why'd He let this happen? He gave everyone a gift, and it was taken from me. I was going to save myself for the right man. Now, I can't. It was really hard to sit and listen to Mike talk about this stuff, even though he was talking about sex as a choice. But, I wish I could still be pure. I wish I still had the gift to "open". I wish I wasn't scarred or hurt. I wish I could still trust men. I wish had everything back.

I know all this doesn't define me. Again, it's really hard to believe. To me, this is who I am. I am a cutter. I am an emotional wreck. I am unwanted. I am a ton of things. I have a hard time dealing with people leaving. I always will. I have a hard time with being adopted, especially because my dad intentionally left me. I always will. It's his fault I had to be given up. I have a hard time with releasing my feelings in a healthy way. I always will. I have a hard time believing that people care. I always will. I have a hard time with a lot of things, and always will. These things make up me. Maybe not define, but to me, it sure seems like they do. But, I know I should be defined as one thing, and one thing only, a child of God. Honestly though, I don't know how or what to do. Or if there's even anything I can do.

I know I shouldn't turn to this, but I do. I believe in this way. It distracts, it relieves, it helps. But, I'm told I should turn to the Lord instead. However, since I believe in this way, it's difficult to go to Him.

I know it's not the right way out of things, but I don't believe it completely. I'm so close, and so want to. It'll be a lot easier, for everyone. I won't have to deal with all this any longer. I can finally be done with it all. I can be at peace. But, she tells me otherwise. She says the only way I can be at peace is through Him.

I know so many things. People tell me over and over, but I'm battling with myself. And, I'm not winning. I should've, I wish, I am and always will. I know I should believe the things she says, and I'm trying, but it's extremely difficult. I guess it all comes down to me questioning why even though I shouldn't.