Fearfully Trusting

I don't want this break to end. I've learned who's there and who isn't, who I truly trust and who I don't, and who I need and who I can go without.

Lately, I've been struggling with my past and my present. They're becoming intertwined, things from my past are getting mixed up in my present. My repressed thoughts are surfacing. I'm realizing them, but I don't feel anything when I they come up. I have the feelings later, but they aren't associated with the memories.

Growing up, I was somewhat neglected and definitely ripped of the love and nurturing every child should get from their parents. As a result, I'm afraid to allow people to get close to me in fear they're eventually going to hurt me. It seems to happen 98% of the time. But there are two people who I have fearfully taken into my life during this break. Brittany Johnson and Nicole Brassea are the two, the only two, who I truly truly trust, love, and need. They are the only ones who I don't hide things from. They understand me, they love me, they help me, they won't give up on me, they're becoming my best friends. They give me what nobody else does. I have never trusted someone as much as I trust them. I tell them everything, whether I'm ashamed of it or not. They can make me feel a million times better when every thing's going wrong. Brittany let's me call her at 2 in the morning crying and doesn't care if I wake her up. Nicole calls me at midnight seeing if every thing's okay and if I need to talk things out. They go out of their way for me. These two girls keep me going every day. I never thought I'd find someone who understands me or someone who loves me despite everything or someone who I don't have to hide things from, but I finally have found two amazing people, two amazing friends, that I can be my whole self around. And I thank God every day and every night and every moment I'm with them, for placing them in my life.

Drowning In My Past

Things are not bad at all. Life's great with the exception of the death of my friend's mom. But other than that, everything is amazing! I can't complain with the way life's going. But me, myself, is not great. My mind set hasn't changed.I accepted Christ, and I was truly changed. I felt it in the way I acted and the things I thought. But, why am I thinking this way again? I feel the closest to God now more than any other time in my life. But, I have those thoughts. I don't feel far from Him, or like I'm straying, at all. I'm just drowning in my past. I can see God all around me, but there's a cloud of my past surrounding me that I can't get away from. I'm just not sure what to do. I'm not lost, but I'm stuck.

And on top of trying to figure out what the heck is going on, I finally got to see my brother today. But, it sucked. He's a totally different person. It seemed as though he didn't love me anymore, and didn't care at all about me. It hurt a ton. I can't even describe it. I was sitting right behind him trying to hold back tears. But, he didn't even acknowledge I was there.

Real quick before I go to bed:

When I gave my presentation on my mask, I cried. I can't believe I did.

I MADE CONCERT CHOIR AS A SOPHMORE!!! Hobbs chose me and 3 other girls to be in it. As a sophmore making it, I'm soo excited! Only juniors and seniors make it! (: I'm pretty stoked to be in it a year early! WOOHOOO!

That's it. Off to bed now. I have school in the morning.

Psych Mask: Portraying Myself

In Psych, we have to paint masks portraying ourselves, not our likes and dislikes, but ourselves. It took me literally 3-4 weeks to come up with my ideas of how I was going to do my mask. But, man, doing this brings up a lot of feelings that I always push aside. On the inside of my mask, I have it painted yellow for the happiness I do have, but it's not true happiness. Then, I have a portion of it black representing the feelings of rejection and abandonment I feel from both sets of parents. I have a dotted line from that black spot to an "X marks the spot" for my long journey to true happiness. People say I have a big heart, so I drew a big heart on the right side of it. Most of it's red, standing for my love and compassion for others and how I always put them first. There's a very small portion that's pink which represents the love for myself. Then above the heart, there is a an area that has a bunch of colors standing for different feelings, like anger, hurt, sorrow. That represents how I bottle everything up. Thinking up the inside really stirred my emotions. All those things I tried to push aside came back. Thinking about the abandonment and rejection, thinking about how angry I am with myself and how I hate myself. It's all quite overwhelming.
The front was just kind of something I thought of. Different people see different sides of me. So, the front of my mask has 9 different colors representing the different groups of people who see a different side of me. But, in the middle, right down the center, there's a bold stripe. The stripe stands for the small amount of people who see the "real" me. But, it also represents the wall I put up to protect myself from getting hurt by anyone else like I have in the past.
This project really made me reflect. And taking about disorders in class was a little uncomfortable. To think I have a disorder. I don't like to think that way. I like to think it's a state I'm in. But, many things say otherwise. Mr. Holden said that 30 years ago, seeing a "shrink" wasn't normal. People would think you were insane or extremely sick. But, nowadays, it's okay. People realize they have a problem and what to try to overcome it as much as they can so they can live with happiness in their lives.
I have a disorder, and I want to be happy.

First Performance

Today was my first trebs performance. We went to St. Anthony's Hospital in Crown Point. I didn't think I'd be back so soon. I used to go a ton because of my heart. Anyhoo, although it was amazing and I LOVED it, it was a little nerve wracking. Surprisingly, I really like to wear dresses and do my hair even though I'm a tomboy. But, we sang for the elderly, and it brought me joy to see them smile and sing the songs to themselves. Then, we got to do a "meet and greet" where we go out and shake hands with them while we sing a song. It was just nice to see them smile and get so excited to have us there. It melted my heart. Today was fun, and it felt right. Many things never feel right, but today did. I felt like I was in the right place at the right time of my life. It was a reminder I'm doing what I need to be doing and I'm where I'm supposed to be. If I could do today over and over, I definitely would. It was a wonderful experience. But, I still have 7 performances, so I'll have more chances to do it all again. (:

9 DAYSSSSS!!!!!! (: (:

Accomplishing Goals

Since God told me what I can do for the kids who need sponsors, I made a list of three goals.

1) Write a note on facebook telling people about Compassion, everything about it, and how it has affected my life.

2) Send an e-mail to Danny and ask if he could tell his youth group about it and see if any kids want to sponsor a child.

3) Bring it to the congregation and other churches.

So far, I've completed two of those three goals. Well, I did #2, but I'm just waiting to see what he says about it, and #1 is done. #3 is a biggy. It's going to be the hardest to do. I'm actually a little nervous and apprehensive about it. I've never done something of this sort before. Iknow it's going to take some time organizing everything and probably by then I'll be more comfortable about it, but there's one person who I need a ton right now, for support. Unfortunately, I never see her. And, I'm not sure when I will.

I have to do this though. I can't "press the ignore button" on God or "hang up". I owe Him the whole thing. I have to accomplish all three goals, not just two of them.

Also, this is something I need to do on my own. Yes, I need some one's support, but I need only her's, no one else's.

Hits home

I was on my way to school when I heard a song that really punched me in the gut. It brought back feelings and memories of the awful times in my life. But, in a way, it was comforting because everything I did relieved pain and made me feel a ton better. I hear this song, and it brings back that same relief. This song talks about stuff I'm used to, stuff I can definitely relate to.


No one sits with him, he doesn’t fit in,
But we feel like we do when we make fun of him,
'Cause you want to belong, do you go along?
'Cause his pain is the price paid for you to belong
It’s not like you hate him or want him to die,
But maybe he goes home and thinks suicide,
Or he comes back to school with a gun at his side,
Any kindness from you might have saved his life...


Heroes are made when you make a choice...


You could be a hero,
Heroes do what’s right,
You could be a hero,
You might save a life,
You could be a hero, you could join the fight,
For what’s right, for what’s right, for what’s right...


No one talks to her, she feels so alone,
She’s in too much pain to survive on her own,
The hurt she can’t handle overflows to a knife,
She writes on her arm, wants to give up her life,
Each day she goes on is a day that she is brave,
Fighting the lie that giving up is the way,
Each moment of courage her own life she saves,
When she throws the pills out, a hero is made...


No one talks to him about how he lives,
He thinks that the choices he makes are just his,
Doesn’t know he’s a leader with the way he behaves,
And others will follow the choices he’s made,
He lives on the edge, he’s old enough to decide,
His brother who wants to be him is just nine,
He can do what he wants because it’s his right,
The choices he makes change a nine-year-old's life...


Little Mikey-Dee was the one in class
Who everyday got brutally harassed
This went on for years
Till he decided that never again would he shed another tear
So he walked through the door
And grabbed the .44 out of his father's dresser drawer
He said 'I can't take life no more'
And like that a life can be lost
But this ain't even about that
All of us just sat back and watched it happen
Thinking its not our responsibility
To solve a problem that isn't even about me
This is our problem.
This is just one of the daily scenarios
In which we choose to close our eyes
Instead of doing the right thing
If we make a choice and be the voice
For those who won't speak up for themselves
How many lives would be saved, changed, rearranged?
Now it's our time to pick a side.
So don't keep walking by not wanting to intervene,
Cause you just want to exist and never be seen.
So lets wake up, change the world
Our time is now.

~Hero, Superchick

Is it really Merry?

As much as I love the holidays, every year around this time, some memories and the repressed feelings on those memories come back. A lot of times, I don't like to think about the memories of past Christmas's because the things that happened were so amazing. My cousin, the guy who I trusted with my life and the one who I had an extremely close bond with, would come visit or we'd go visit him and his family. And, during the year, we'd talk everyday, whether it was on the phone or through email or writing letters, every single day. We basically grew up together. He was the one I knew to go to. He was the one I knew to go to for comfort and love. He took the place of my father. But, there was a period of 5 years when we didn't talk at all. Then, in 2006 my cousin got married. Over that period of time, I longed for my cousin. I longed for his love, his hugs, his voice, his affection, everything about him. At the wedding, I saw him. I saw the cousin who I longed for over those 5 years. I couldn't wait to be in his arms again and feel his love. But,I only got to hang out with him for about 5 minutes. I was extremely disappointed. I was hoping to catch up for the years we didn't have together. I can't express how angry and disappointed I was. I cried at the airport, on the plane, and on the way home. I just couldn't believe him. 5 years! I felt abandoned. It was like his love for me ran dry. I guess there was none left for me. But remembering those times we had during Christmas visits and then thinking about all the times he and I shared throughout my life, it brings back hurt and feelings of abandonment. Christmas to me doesn't come merrily. It has to be made merry.

Corrosive.... who knew a vocab word would be used in my life today?

So I went to the doctor today after school. I go every 2 weeks, and I didn't expect this week to be any different. I went in for my normal procedure, but instead of leaving with getting better, I left with a bigger problem. I ended up getting acid in my eye which hurt like no other! I had to wash my eye out, and to honest, I was extremely afraid. I didn't want to go blind! I'm already half-way deaf in one of my ears, and I definitely didn't want to be blind in one eye. I felt extremely bad for the nurse who did it, so I said everything was fine when I was on my way out. But, I got home and it was not, at all. My mom tried finding contact solution, but my sister's at school and took it with her. So, she used water. It helped a little, but it still feels as though there's something in my eye. I don't know if the acid just dried my eye out or if it burned of a layer of it. It felt as though layers were being taken off, but I'm not sure what really happened. But, I cannnot thank God enough for not making me go blind. That was definitely a blessing!

14 DAYS TILL MY BRO COMES HOME!!!!!!!!!!! (:

Freakin Ridiculous!

Last year I was on the science olympiad team. I competed in herpetology, astronomy, and some other event I can't remember. But, anyways, my partner and I won 1st in herpetology at the regional level. Our whole team made it to state, where she and I got 4th. This year, I was put as an alternate for every single event I signed up for. What the heck! And, what makes me even more pissed is that it was my partner from last year who assigned people to the events!!!! That wasn't far at all! I'm soo angry. She made sure her best friend and all the band people had events, even though all of them are rookies to it this year. Freakin freshmen beat me out. I loved science olympiad. I loved everything about it. But, because Emily decided to make a gay decision, I quit. I'm not doing it this year. I'm not going to back up my team mates when they decide to put the less experienced in the competition and leave the ones who know what they're doing as alternates. It's ridiculous and unfair. If they don't make it to state, no one's at fault but themselves.

To end on a happy note: TONY COMES HOME IN 15 DAYS!!!!!!!!! (: (: (:

Abundant Blessings-On Cloud Nine

I've been caught up in all the bad stuff in the past couple of weeks. But, since the bad has subsided, I'm seeing all the blessings God has given me that I didn't really see or realize before.

1) I got a job! Sure, I knew I got a job, but I didn't see it as a blessing. The first full week I worked was crazy busy, and I saw it as a bad thing. But, I got my first pay check last Thursday, and boy was it amazing! I had money to save for stuff. I had money to pay for my Joyce. I had money to support my friends. I didn't realize how independent and "grown up", for lack of a better phrase, I'd feel because of it. I've always wanted to feel like I earn things, and now, I do. I fully support Joyce. On my own. No help. Just me. And, I can now physically show my friends how much I care about them when things are bad. People don't usually show me love in the way that I can see it, so I put everything I have into each one of my friends to show them I much they mean to me.

2) The relationship I've been longing to have with my mother is actually forming. She bought me a fish last week, and it seems stupid, but since then, I've had feelings for her. Before, I could cared less about her. She and I fought constantly, never saw eye to eye, and lived extremely separate lives. We'd only talk if we needed something from the other person. Lately, we've been getting along amazingly, and we actually talk! I don't trust her enough to tell her my personal things, but we talk more than we ever have. I'm actually looking forward to the future because I know we're going to be together as mother and daughter instead of anything else. Just thinking about the love I've felt from her these past couple of weeks is really overwhelming. It makes me cry. I've never ever felt love from her, let alone the amount I'm getting from her now. I really hope this doesn't change. I can honestly say I love my mom now. Honestly, truly, and with meaning.

3) One of my cross country girls is coming home from Miami University the 18th, and she's coming to visit me at school!! I haven't seen her in a year, and since my freshman cross season, she and I have been getting closer. Also, because my mom and I used to be distant, I'd always look to older girls for the love I lacked from my mom. And, she was one of those girls who I look up to. It has meant the world to me getting to know her and growing closer to her. She has showed me love in a way I could feel it. Talking to her on facebook and on the phone has meant a ton because it shows me she cares about me, and that's what I long for. I long for people to care about me. I don't usually feel like many people do. So, this visit means more now than anything. And, to know she's coming just for me makes me feel loved. I'm so incredibly stoked!

4) The first thing I do when say my night prayers is thank God for absolutely everything and everyone I have in my life. Recently, I can't help but thank Him for giving me 6 specific people that I work with. Already, they are treating me like family. It's only my third week working, but I've become comfortable and am no longer shy around them. Last night, it was me and Elizabeth working. She's in my Spanish class, and in the beginning of the year, I wasn't really sure about her. I judged when I really shouldn't have. And, I'm ashamed I did because she's a really good person and is becoming one of my good friends. Also, I love Kenny, Trina, Kayla, Garrett, and Taylor S. They are the other amazing people I work with. And, I love them!

5) The one thing that isn't going too well right now is that I'm really sick. But, the good thing is that it came a week and a half before our first treb performance. I would've been dead if it came any later. Hobbs would've been off with me head..... no joke. Hopefully it'll go away by then.

6) My friend who I don't see often seems to be getting better. Or at least, that's how God's making me feel. I feel as though a weight has been lifted whenever I think of her. It's a relief, yes, but it makes me happy that she's seeming happier. I continue to pray for her, but God's plans for her are taking place, and I'm feeling them, whether she is, too, or not.

7) I saved the absolute best for last!!!!!!!! TONY'S COMING HOME!!! AND HE'LL BE HOME FOR CHRISTMAS!!! I listen to the wlit all the time. A couple nights ago, there was this mother who was sad her daughter was going into the navy and wouldn't be home for Christmas and her son who is going to join soon, also. It made me realize how blessed I am that Tony is coming home this year for Christmas! He was home last year, too, but he left 3 days before Christmas and 6 days before my first surgery. I cannot express how happy and relieved and thankful and EXCITED I am that he's coming home!!! It's finally my turn to have my big brother home to celebrate this wonderful holiday! I had to go without last year, and it was thee hardest thing I had ever done. I missed him like crazy, and all I did was cry. It was a rough Christmas. But, this year is going to be AMAZING! And a bonus! He'll be home for my birthday!!! WOOOOO! I'm counting down the days until he's here, and it's 16!

I pray that God may bless everyone like He is me. I feel closer to God now more than I ever have. It was because of my rough patch a few weeks ago that I'm feeling like this. But, it had to happen because I was slipping away from Him. I needed to go through that so that I could cry out to Him.

I love my God more than anything!!!! He gives me hope, faith, and happiness. I hope He does the same for you!

I'm an F-A-N-A-T-I-C, fanatic!

I've been hooked on an AMAZING song lately. I don't usually like rap, but I love this song.

Fanatic- Lacrae

I'm a F-A-N-A-T-I-C, Fanatic
I rep Christ till I D-I-E, Fanatic
I'm not extreme, I'm redeemed with faith
To serve a God whose extremely great
I'm a Fanatic


The world's trying to tidy up, exfoliate they skin
but only Christ can come and exfoliate they sin
And they fate look grim, If they don't take him
As the high priest he is to mediate they sin
The world's got to many Gods, man we choose the one
From hebrews, he rules, he bruised his son
He moves the sun
So if we prayin and our schools call us fools
Cuz our God's too true to shun
Channels two in one
Man it looks insane
TV make a lot Christians seem dramatically strange
Though we may be looked upon as one and same
We will not turn in shame, we proclaim the name
Christ Jesus, believe us, you ain't gotta recieve us
but we gon' follow our God wherever the bible lead us
And you can call us dramatic, fanatic, emphatic
But hate while you at it, take a look at our mathematics


I'm a F-A-N-A-T-I-C, Fanatic
I rep Christ till I D-I-E, Fanatic
I'm not extreme, I'm redeemed with faith
To serve a God whose extremely great
I'm a Fanatic


What can I do to make it simple, make it plain
Christ came, emptied himself and let out sin hang him
You couldn't blame him for any sin
While they singing many men
The crucifixion was pretty grim
But when we state the fact that God resurrects
We get funny looks from a world that doesn't get
We are not David Koresh or Krishna
Or the people on TV who glorifying their bishop
From Edwards to Piper, MacAurther to Spurgeon
From Dallas to France, From Cali to Berlin


As Christians all over who getting the word in
We ain't crazy we just understand the truth and we burdened
The world sees us as evangelical Christians
As narrow-minded fanatics with a mythical mission
Labeled extremists for sharing out faith
But thats cool, we can carry the weight of persecution
Cuz earth is losing
And if we yelling the truth
We honored to be the people that our God is using
So keep it movingCuz if we yelling the truth
We honored to be the people that our God is using


I'm a F-A-N-A-T-I-C, Fanatic
I rep Christ till I D-I-E, Fanatic
I'm not extreme, I'm redeemed with faith
To serve a God whose extremely great
I'm a Fanatic


They thought Jesus was out of his mind
they laughed and mocked him
Called him a cult leader and they tried to stop him
Pharisees said Christ got his power from Satan
Hatin', on the very one that came to save 'em
Even after he rose, man the world ain't changed
They still rejecting the name, still look at us strange
Still tell us without shame that our faith's insane
and, "it don't take all that to be a Christian man"
And its hard when you tryin to reach your family and stuff
They say man, "you too spiritual, you doing to much"
So we show them the love of Christ and live in the light
So they can glorify our God when they look at our life
And we win for sharing the truth and hearts get changed
We win if we're rejected because of his name
We win if seeds get planted and watered and grow
But even if we lost, we still be Fanatical though


I'm a F-A-N-A-T-I-C, Fanatic
I rep Christ till I D-I-E, Fanatic
I'm not extreme, I'm redeemed with faith
To serve a God whose extremely great
I'm a Fanatic

"He's not going to smite you."

After 3 weeks of not going to church or youth group at all, I went. I went to Soul Phish practice expecting the usual singers to be there since no one called off. I was the only singer. And, to make matters worse, my vocal chords are strained, and singing anything at all hurts. Marissa showed up later, but I was still extremely pissed. 1- No one freakin called!!!!!!! 2- I couldn't sing! My voice was shot, and I need to save what I have left because I have about 6 gigs for Trebs in the next 3 weeks, plus a choir concert on the 14th. And 3- I felt as though I didn't deserve to be up there leading because I couldn't give my all to God. I barely had a singing voice, and I felt as though I was short handing Him. He deserves 150% percent of me. He gave me my voice for a reason, and I wasn't able to give back to Him. I didn't want to give Him anything but everything. I told Juanita, and she said that I was giving Him everything I had. I was up there trying and using the little voice I did have. And, that He wasn't going to smite me because I didn't have my usual voice. He was happy that I was up there leading others in worship though my voice was gone. That made me feel a little better, but I still feel like I ripped Him off.

What made me extremely pissed though, was Rachel showed up to youth group complaining she was sick. Those words out of her mouth broke the last nerve she was dancing on! I love her to death don't get me wrong, but the events of the day had made me so angry with her. Kirsten had work. Find, I understand, but she had no excuse. This is the third time my vocal chords have been strained, and I'm still singing. Being sick is no excuse. It may sound bad, but it's not about us!!! And, that's really all she thinks about. I've had many a conversations with her, and whenever she brings up that she doesn't want to sing because she's sick and it'll sound bad, I hold back my frustration and anger. It's not about us, but she's caught up in that. I want for her to see that He gave people a good singing voice to WORSHIP HIM!! Not sing songs with curse words in it or for our own fame and glory, but HIM!!! I'm at the edge, and I wish more people would do things for God and not themselves. UGHHHHHH!!!!

And to start my day off, my stupid self stayed up until 12 last night, got up too late, my shower took too long, and I missed seeing my Sarah at church who I never get to see and miss more than anything! My dad said he got back to the church when she was in the parking lot ready to leave. I was soooo mad! I just want this day to be over! Or, this whole break to start over. What I would give.....

Who's there? God's calling.

I've been on the path to God again, and boy, is it a relief!!! I'm finding Him, and I'm finding my way.

A couple days ago, I got an envelope in the mail from Compassion. They sent me a letter and pictures of 6 other children who are waiting for sponsers. They asked if I'd be a temporary sponser to one or some of those kids. I want to more than anything in the world. I want to provide for them at least once. But, I don't have that kind of money. If I had all the money in the world, I'd give it to them and the other 150,000 children around the world waiting for someone or a family to sponser them. I prayed to God to somehow help me with this. I told Him I don't have the money to sponser them, but I wanted to help somehow. He answered almost immediately. I was in the middle of a nice, deep sleep (which I don't get often), and then I woke up. I was thinking "I can't do this by myself, but I can bring the joy of sponsering a child to other people and even other churches." Since I can't do this on my own, I need to ask help from my church, my friends, and go to other churches and speak on behalf of Compassion and these kids. There's this day called "Compassion Sunday" which is usually during the summer, and all the sponsers are asked to set up tables and speak in church to get more sponsers. I didn't follow through on that this past summer because I felt I wasn't ready. But, God is calling me to do this..... not during the summer, but now. However, I'm not sure if I can do this on my own. I need someone to stand by me.

After thinking a while, my calling is for children in 3rd world countries. At least right now it is. Each child deserves to have at least one thing in their life that is steady, constant. I was able to provide that to one little girl, the person that means almost everything to me, Joyce. From the first letter she ever sent me to the most recent one, she has become so much happier. Before, she wasn't sure when she would eat next. She wasn't sure if she'd make it through the winter or have clean water to drink. I brought hope to this little girl, and all I want to do is give hope to more children and give them something to count on. Also, I was watching Extreme Makeover: Home Edition. Two episodes ago, a family had adopted 6 children from Haiti. I vowed NEVER to adopt children when I'm married because of the way I turned out. But, adopting children from Haiti is sitting heavy on my heart. It's years upon years away, but I hope it's sitting as heavy, if not heavier, on my heart when I get married and am ready for kids. I want to adopt an older boy and another young one. It's my calling; I'm not going to hit the "ignore" button on Him. But, I need some support.

RIP my Asics ):

I got a new speckled molly today. My mom bought it for me. Which meant a lot to me, for some unknown reason. Anyhoo, I loved it!!! Until, my mom put it in the same tank as my black molly, Asics. They fought like no other!!! I was kinda disappointed, and I felt bad. For the my black molly and my mom. Asics was being picked on by the new fish, in her own tank! Then, I felt bad for my mom because she tried so hard to make me happy with getting me a new fish. The fish she ended up getting was a bully to my poor Asics. Off topic for a second- my mom tries soo hard to have a relationship with me by getting me stuff she thinks I may like, and all the time I feel bad if I don't like it because she's trying hard. It just makes me extremely sad when she gets something for me that I don't like because she tries hard, and I feel bad saying I don't like it, so I say I like it and keep it. Back onto what I was saying- My new fish ended up killing my Asics. It was a very sad moment. I wouldn't call myself an animal lover, but I guess I have to. I become attached to any animal almost instantly whether it's mine or not. And, whenever I get a pet, I NEVER want to bring it back because they don't deserve it. Everyone deserves a home. Maybe it's just an adopted child thing, but I wouldn't want to come home to a family and finally get a home, then be disliked and taken back. I don't know, but I feel for these animals. This time I didn't cry when my pet died, although, as I'm writing this, I really really want to. I don't get to wake up looking at Asics. I'm hoping this new fish will be kinda close to my Asics. If not, I'll be mad.
There's no Godly thing in this post, nor can I tie one in. But, I just felt like writing out my saddness and frustration.

Unbelievable!!!!

I got home from a sweet sixteen in Chicago at about 11:30. I was extremely tired, so I went straight to my room. But a few minutes later, we heard a smash outside of our house. Some druggie took out two mailboxes, almost hit a family, and totalled 2 cars. One car was still on the street, but the other was wedged between the one car and an electrical box about 4 feet from where the one car was parked. The guy was running on his rims (without tires on his car), and still stopped at a stop sign.... why, I'm not sure. One policeman managed to stop him, but as soon as he got pulled over, there were another 5 police cars there. They threw the man out of his car, and tackled him to the ground. He stayed there while the fire trucks hosed off his car since fluid was leaking from it, because basically his car was totalled, too. However, he was too high to realize it. But, thank the Lord no one got hurt, and somehow the driver didn't kill himself. It was pretty insane, though. Through all this, I saw God. You know, God shows up at the most irrelevent moments. He spared the driver, the totalled cars' owers, and the Mexican family's lives. I saw how amazing He is. The driver should be dead. He should be because his car was crushed. But, for some reason, he didn't die. And, I didn't either. If I would've come home all but a few minutes later, I may not be here right now.

Even though it's taking me a while to fully process all this, I know I am extremely grateful and thankful for the lives spared tonight. 6 lives were protected, and I seriously cannot thank God enough.

Doesn't anyone want me around?

Lately, it seems as though no one wants me around. I've heard from my friend that a person who used to be my friend thinks I'm annoying even though since I got moved to a different section in choir I never talk to her. Also, I was at a party and no one really included me. They all just kind of mingled amongst themselves. No need to acknowledge Brooke guys. That's fine. Not only in person do people make me feel unwanted, but I was asking my friend online for help, and she and I used two of the the same quotes on our paper unknowingly. She was rudely stating that we may be accused of cheating. Now, my question is, how is that when we talked about it after we wrote our papers? But anyhoo, then I told her that nothing else showed me how the character was loyal to her family and her gods. So, then she said whatever and stopped talking to me. I mean, I'm sorry, but there are probably many other people in our class who used the same quotes, too. It just makes me soo angry how I bust my butt to make other people happy before myself, and I put aside all my feelings to keep peace, and they treat me like a piece of crap. Do I not deserve to be treated any better? Or am I destined to be treated like this for the rest of my life?

Even though I feel unwanted, life seems like it's getting better. I started my devotions again. The past week has been crazy busy, and all I ever had time to do is go to school, trebs, and work and finish my homework. Now, everything is settling into a semi-less stressful routine, for lack of a better word. Also, today seemed a lot lighter than usual. Last night, I literally cried to God asking Him to help find me, and now I'm on the right path towards Him again. I handed the feelings I've been carrying around for some time over to Him. It feels amazing not being weighed down. Y'all should try it. But even though I gave Him my feelings, I still feel for one of my friends. And, always will, especially in her rough times.

I'll Stand By You

Lately, I've had two things on my mind.

1- I've been extremely busy with work and school and trebs and homework and catching up on sleep that I've been walking past God over and over again. And, I feel a million miles away. I need Him more than anything right now. I need to put everything I'm concerned about on Him and have faith in Him like I've done many times before. I used to be surrounded by just people who used inappropriate language. But, people knew they weren't allowed to use that language around me. However, recently, I've been put in a "moment" (hopefully nothing longer than that) where everyone around me smokes or has sex or does drugs. I'm in the middle of all this, and I'm lost. I can't see God at all because the devil is surrounding me. He keeps provoking me. I don't give in, but it's constant. I WANT MY GOD! Whereever I turn, the devil's there. I don't know what to do.

2- I'm really worried about one of my friends. It seems as though things are getting a tad better, emphasis on the tad. And because I don't have God close to me, I have to carry this on my own. I don't have God to put my faith in. All my praying seems to be useless. I pray every day, every night, and nothing. I'm trying with everything I have to add at least a little joy to her life. I keep hitting a brick wall, though. There's no way to get to the other side. If I had one wish, it'd be for her to be happy like she was when I met her. Sometimes, it's so frustrating I want to cry. Because I'm putting all I have into this, but I'm not getting anywhere, and it pains me how sad she is. Of all the people in the world, it had to be her, didn't it?

If my friend reads this: I couldn't say what this song is saying any better.

Oh, why you look so sad?

The tears are in your eyes

Come on and come to me now

Don't, be ashamed to cry

Let me see you through

'Cause I've seen a dark side too

When the night falls on you

You don't know what to do

Nothing you confess

Can make me love you less

I'll stand by you

I'll stand by you

I won't let nobody hurt you

I'll stand by you

So, if you're mad get mad

Don't hold it all inside

Come on and talk to me now

Hey, what you got to hide?

I get angry too

Well, I'm a lot like you

When you're standin' at the crossroads

And don't know which path to choose

Let me come along

'Cause even if you're wrong

I'll stand by you

I'll stand by you

I won't let nobody hurt you

I'll stand by you

Take me in to your darkest hour

And I'll never desert you

I'll stand by you

And when, when the night falls on you, baby

You're feelin' all alone

You won't be on your own

I'll stand by you

I'll stand by you

I won't let nobody hurt you

I'll stand by you

Take me in to your darkest hour

And I'll never desert you

I'll stand be you

Oh, I'll stand by you

I'll stand by you

Exhausted

All I've been doing is running from thing to thing this past week. I don't have any down time. It's run from school to trebs to work, or school to trebs to voice to babysit. I had one day off, Tuesday, but I had to babysit a little and write two papers. Tonight was supposed to be a day for me to relax after trebs and voice, but I had to emergency babysit. I'm stressed and drained. This week has had more 15 hour days than I've had in months combined. I don't have anymore energy to push through another day. Tomorrow, my day offically ends at 6, not 9 like every other day. School then work till 6. You have no idea how excited I am to finally be done! I mean, I love running around and being busy, but it's extremely exhausting. If I had a day off once in a while, I would totally be okay with it. And, it was supposed to be like that. Hopefully, this is the only crazy week I'll have for a while.
Lately, people have been amazing! So, things are getting a little better. I have one person who has been there for me through this, listens, and makes me feel a whole lot better. And, I truly thank him. (:

That wasn't long at all

Why does life have to suck more than rock? So far, I've had way more downs than ups, especially in the past 4 months when I thought I'd have a steady rise in life because I had made a decision to accept Christ. And, like I said, just as soon as everything looks up, it starts to drop. What am I doing wrong? Am I a bad person? What is it? I just don't understand.

Also, I'm extremely frustrated at a youth pastor who won't do anything! I told him what one of his students is doing, but he does nothing! I care deeply about this girl because I grew up with her. She's practically family, but what she's doing is not only slowly killing her, but it's going to end of making me sick! I'm sorry, but I would like to live a long life. I certainly don't have to guts to be rude and tell her to not to do it around me, but seriously, what she's doing could make me extremely sick because of my heart and asthma. I can barely breathe in the car on the way to and from school. I'm beyond worried for just her. Now I'm worried about myself. And, when cross season starts again, who knows how all that's going to effect my running. I'm pissed, I'm doubtful, and I'm worried.

Why did all of this have to happen? What have I done to deserve the pain and hurt I'm going through, plus this thing with my friend!? I'm never doing to be happy, am I?

To someone I care deeply about,

Even though we've only hung out one time, seen each other a couple times, and talk on occassion, you mean a whole lot to me. When I hear and read how sad you are, my heart breaks. No one, especially you, should have to go through this. I beg God to make you happy again. It's the only thing I pray about. And, I pray for ever about it. Sure, my life is getting better, and I'm getting happier, but nothing will be 100% better until you're happy, and you're living everyday for God like usual. You know, I was thinking. All the bad is because of the devil. But, God doesn't stop it because he's seeing if you'll break under all the pain or stay strong and faithful in Him. The devil doesn't realize that everytime he puts pain and hurt into a Christian's life, it's not helping him one bit. His plan backfires, and we just end up closer to God. I hope maybe that made you feel a tad better. I know it helped me some. I care about you a heck of a lot more than I normally care about people. Why, I'm not sure since I rarely see you. But, I care so much, and I just want you to be happy. I asked God, if it were possible to put all the hurt that's in your life into mine, so you could have hope and joy again. I also prayed that this terrible journey would soon see the light that's always at the end of the tunnel. I'm hoping whatever's going on is nearing the end. I pray with everything I have that it is. I pray with everything I have that you can be happy again. I pray with everything I have that you can be the same person I met this summer, the one who's outgoing, the one who lives each and every day for Christ, the one that I and everyone else here loves.
I Love You and I can't wait until your life is full of joy again!

Why such a short time??

Lord, I thank you for carrying me towards the top again. But, I know it's not going to last very long. Why do you do this? You give me an up, then in no time, I'm right back at the very bottom. It's hard to see the beauty all around me and the good things going on through the pain I endure at the bottom. I see it when I'm working my way back up and at the very top, but it's extremely hard to admire you when I'm down. Those downs are getting lower and lower. What have I done to deserve this? I know I lead a sinful life, but I try my hardest to live everyday for you and in you. Why do you punish me like this? Haven't I gone through this enough? Why not give me one down, instead of sliding all the way to rock bottom? I want to be close to you, Lord. I can't, though, when there's hurt and pain distracting me and holding me down. All I want to do is live for you. Give absolutely everything to you. I'm trying to see you through the bad. Lord, I need you more than anything. I want to offer up everything I have to you. But, I don't want to cut you short. You don't deserve for me to raise us sorrow and pain. You deserve happiness and joy for the works that you do. I just want to be happy, so I can help those around me. I just want to be happy, so I can show others you through me. I want to be at a steady place, so you can use me. Lord, it's difficult to grow in you when all this happens, when I know it's all going to crash again. But, I thank you for the short time I have where everything is okay.

Around and around it goes.... but good always comes of the bad

It's making it's rounds again. When every thing's fine and dandy and seemingly perfect, everything crashes. I think "this is the worst I've ever felt.", but by the many scars on my arms and thighs, I'm reminded I was there many times before. Sure, things were a lot worse then, but I felt the exact same: at the lowest of lows, giving up, nowhere else to go, no one who cared. There's one thing that's different then the other times, though. I have God with me. It does make a difference, yes, but sometimes it seems as though I'm a million miles away from Him. I get weighed down with the pain, the frustration, and the exhaustion that it's hard to get back to Him. And, because I'm held down, I add to those. But, besides looking down and seeing all the pain I've suffered before, I see how many times God has helped me, even when I hadn't accepted Him yet. He puts me through hell and I make a stupid mistake over and over again. But, there's always good that comes of the bad, right? Yes, and realizing how many times God had gotten me through things is what comes of those scars. However, I know eventually, I need to stop, which will be hard, but perhaps that's what's holding me back from being with my God. The God who has made this happen over and over again, giving me chances to change what I do as a result.
My best friend Monica read this poem to me once when I had hit rock bottom. It helped me and reassured me that God was there.

One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord.

Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.

In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand.

Sometimes there were two sets of footprints,

other times there were one set of footprints.

This bothered me because I noticed

that during the low periods of my life,

when I was suffering from

anguish, sorrow or defeat,

I could see only one set of footprints.

So I said to the Lord,

“You promised me Lord,

that if I followed you,

you would walk with me always.

But I have noticed that during the most trying periods of my life

there have only been one set of footprints in the sand.

Why, when I needed you most, you have not been there for me?”

The Lord replied,

“The times when you have seen only one set of footprints in the sand,

is when I carried you.”

A lot of the times when I can't get any lower than I already am, I question God. Why He isn't there, why He doesn't help. But, every time, I think back to this poem, and He was there. I just looked at the bad that was going on instead of trusting God and seeing that He was not only right next to me, but carrying me through it.

When it all started

Up until I was 13, life was great. I didn't have a care in the world, and I had the most amazing boyfriend who I loved with all my heart. But, the day I turned 13, everything ended up going downhill. The day itself was pretty fun; my friends threw me a surprise party. Earlier on, issues where developing in Jason and my relationship. I thought the problems would go away on their own. A month later, we ended up going on a youth trip. A day after we got there, on Saturday night, it was his birthday. I ran his present out to him, and received only a "thanks". I didn't expect much, though. I also thought maybe his present would tell him how sorry I was and how much I loved him. He didn't see it that way. The next day, we were in the elevator going down to lunch & he gave me back my school picture. That was his way of saying "we're over". It broke my heart. Life had gone from amazing to absolutely terrible. Not only did I not have him, I lost many of my friends, too, because they were friends with him. I had heard from my friends that they had cut, so I tried it. It became my new way of coping with things. On top of that, my parents and I were fighting every night, sometimes more than once. I pretty much had enough of life. I hit rock bottom & became depressed. I ended up cutting everyday; to me, it felt amazing. All my hurt & pain went into that. My parents ended up finding out, and they sent me to a counselor. That just made things worse. I never ended up going back, but continued to cut. The cutting continued to the winter of 9th grade, although it wasn't nearly as often as it was before. Only once or twice a month, every few months. I ended up getting over Jason during my freshman year. Things gradually started getting better. I had a million and one friends, I had new crushes. It seemed as though things were perfect... just in my outside life, though. In my house, my parents and I still continued to fight and scream back and forth every night. I tried many times before to run away. And, I had also thought, just thought, what would happen if I killed myself? No one would care, not even my own parents and everything would be over. To add to my parents and I not getting along, things in my youth group were going down the drain, the one place I could get away from all the fighting. I quit going to youth events and church all together. Months later, we found a new youth pastor. He moved here and gradually took over. I started going to youth group events again. I realized I never truly made the decision to accept Him. After a month of Mike teaching in youth group, I made a decision. On July 20, the day before the senior high was leaving for CIY, I talked to Mike and accepted Christ. The next day, we left for a week of God. That week was the best week of my whole summer. I grew in Him, I learned, I prayed, I worshiped Him, it was just amazing!!!! When we came home, Mike told us he was going to baptize me and Jamen on August 10. I went home and told my mom I had accepted Christ & gave her a letter I was compelled by the Holy Spirit to write telling her I really did love her and I needed her in my life & I was done fighting with her, but the reaction I got from her wasn't the one I expected to get. I felt rejected. So, I was too afraid to tell my dad, in fear I'd get the same from him. Mike told him for me. The week before the day I was supposed to talk in church and get baptized, my parents and I fought more than ever. They were being irrational about everything and started questioning my relationship with Christ. That was the roughest week I'd gone through in a long time. We fought at least 5 times a day for a whole week. They took away me getting baptized & speaking in church many times, the two things I was looking forward to more than anything. The morning of my big day, I talked in church at both services. I went home between church and the baptism. I was super excited to finally be with my God, the one who turned my life around 180 degrees, and all I wanted to do was make it offical. Once again, my parents questioned my relationship, which they had no right to do in the first place. They called me into their room and told me I wasn't mature enough and they didn't want me to get baptized because they didn't think anything was true. I had had enough and broke. We screamed back and forth for hours, ending with all of us crying. I was done fighting with my parents and them not accepting my decision. I called Abby, and she helped me understand that God made this happen because He wants my parents and I to form a relationship so they can be there when I get baptized, so I can get baptized with a solid family instead of one who fights constantly. I went back inside my house, and talked to my dad. We worked things out, but my mom and I were still hating each other. I went to youth group, and came home... but to a mom who was totally different, one who for once in my life, showed me love and compassion. Things at home started getting much much better. I was happier; I had my God, my parents, my friends, my sister, everything. The emptyness I had when I was cutting went away. Up until a week or so ago, my life had no problems. Just Christian things, like God using me for Him and His work. A week ago, I learned my mom lost her job. Also, we were really bad off, finanially, and we might have to give up our birds. I might have also lost the little girl I sponser. I thought my world was crashing again. But I turned to God. He had my back and I put all my faith in Him. I prayed every night. I prayed my mom would find a job, I prayed I would be able to find a job to support Joyce, I prayed we wouldn't have to give up our birds. God answered a few days after. He gave me a job. He let us keep the birds. I keep praying He gives my mom a job, but I just have to have faith in Him, because I know what He's doing is what's best for all of us. I continue to grow and mature in my faith each and everyday. But, when I look back at the past 3 years, there has been a lot of ups and downs.. because I didn't have God. If I had Him, things would have been easier to get through. I look back at the past 2 months and see that God has helped change my life from a living hell to a life I'm happy living. I still have minor problems, but I get through them with God. I put 100% of my faith in Him and I get through things. That's the only way to live my life truly happy. He has blessed me so much in the last 2 months, just thinking about it makes me want to cry. The only way I can thank Him is to live my life for Him and offer myself up for His use. I love my God more than anything and my number one goal is to live for Him and in Him. (: