Battling with Believing

These past few days were a heck of a weekend. I've been fighting with what I believe and what I should and shouldn't believe, and it's exhausting.

I know it's not my fault, but the problem is, I only know it's not my fault. People have said it over and over to me. I don't believe it, though. There are so many things telling me I could've prevented it, both times. I should've stayed outside. I should've had a friend come with me. I should've known better, at 13, than to go back. I should've fought harder. I should've walked instead of got dropped off before she was home. I should've waited outside. I should've waited until after she got home to even leave my house. I should've seen it coming. There are so many should have's. But, people tell me it was out of my control. I admit the first time, I couldn't really do anything, sure. I didn't know what it was. The second time though, it's harder to believe. I really wish I could understand and fully believe it wasn't my fault, but I don't know what will make me truly believe it.

I know God loves me. I know He's hurting with me. I know that. But, do I believe it? Not totally. I should not say that, or at all question that, but I do. It's really hard not to. After reading Isaiah 43:1-3, I feel a little better, and I can feel God. But I still have one conflict that I'm battling with: why'd He let this happen? He gave everyone a gift, and it was taken from me. I was going to save myself for the right man. Now, I can't. It was really hard to sit and listen to Mike talk about this stuff, even though he was talking about sex as a choice. But, I wish I could still be pure. I wish I still had the gift to "open". I wish I wasn't scarred or hurt. I wish I could still trust men. I wish had everything back.

I know all this doesn't define me. Again, it's really hard to believe. To me, this is who I am. I am a cutter. I am an emotional wreck. I am unwanted. I am a ton of things. I have a hard time dealing with people leaving. I always will. I have a hard time with being adopted, especially because my dad intentionally left me. I always will. It's his fault I had to be given up. I have a hard time with releasing my feelings in a healthy way. I always will. I have a hard time believing that people care. I always will. I have a hard time with a lot of things, and always will. These things make up me. Maybe not define, but to me, it sure seems like they do. But, I know I should be defined as one thing, and one thing only, a child of God. Honestly though, I don't know how or what to do. Or if there's even anything I can do.

I know I shouldn't turn to this, but I do. I believe in this way. It distracts, it relieves, it helps. But, I'm told I should turn to the Lord instead. However, since I believe in this way, it's difficult to go to Him.

I know it's not the right way out of things, but I don't believe it completely. I'm so close, and so want to. It'll be a lot easier, for everyone. I won't have to deal with all this any longer. I can finally be done with it all. I can be at peace. But, she tells me otherwise. She says the only way I can be at peace is through Him.

I know so many things. People tell me over and over, but I'm battling with myself. And, I'm not winning. I should've, I wish, I am and always will. I know I should believe the things she says, and I'm trying, but it's extremely difficult. I guess it all comes down to me questioning why even though I shouldn't.

Valentine's Day

On this Valentine's Day,
I don't have a special someone,
a person I gave me heart to.
But, I have friends who I've handed my trust, my life.
Today's a day to remind me
how much I love them,
how much I care about them.
Today's a day to remind me
how truly thankful I am for them,
for keeping me going.
Today's a day to remind me
how much I appreciate them
sticking by me no matter what.
Today's a day to remind me
how much they help even though the may not understand,
or how much they are trying to understand so they can help.
Everyday I love them.
Everday I care about them.
Everyday I appreciate them and am thankful.
But today's a day to remind me of exactly how much I do,
exactly how much they matter to me.


Sarah Sweigard, Anna Bona, Britti Johnson- I can't even begin to explain in words how much I love you guys. You are always there, even wayy into the night. I don't understand why you guys haven't left yet or haven't given up. When I ask, you say it's because you love me. It's hard to get those words through. It's hard to accept those words when the person who said them last ended up leaving or hurting me. I wish there were something I could do to show the amount of appreciation and love I have for you. But, nothing ever could. It's such a huge amount. I love you guys sooo much and I hope I never lose you.

disappointed, discouraged, ashamed, embarrassed, and low

I've never felt so disappointed, discouraged, ashamed, embarrassed, and low in my life. I practiced my solo a million times and nailed it each time. But, that was only at voice lessons.

The night before contest, I was starting to feel anxoius, excited, and nervous. My friend Mike encouraged me and I settled down a little. I went to bed, looking forward to ISSMA the next morning. I got up and didn't feel nervous at all. But, as I started getting ready and driving there, I was scared to death. There were little things that I was worried about in my song, and I tried singing it in the car on the way, but I forgot the words. It definitely made things nerve-wrecking. But, I called my friend Anna, who was getting ready for a track meet in Virginia, and she made me feel a lot better. I was standing outside my room waiting to go in. I was shaking I was so nervous. I turned around, and my best friend Monica had actually showed up to see me sing! That kind of relieved me, because she's one of the people who helps me focus before a meet. People from choir came up to me, gave me hugs, and wished me luck, and it made me feel a tad better, but not really, because it was more pressure. I went into my room, and got ready to sing. In the room with me was Monica, my dad, Pastor Ken and Beth, LJ, Nancy Gray, Kirsten, Cheryl, Kevin, Jef and Juanita, Shannon, and Hobbs. I looked at Juanita and nodded for her to start my song. I don't really remember much after that except that my voice cracked in the middle of the song and my breath support was terrible because nerves got the best of me. I turned around to look at Juanita after I sang. I was soo angry with how I did.

I totally bombed my solo. I let everyone down, especially Hobbs. I'm in trebs. I'm not supposed to suck like I did. I had so much pressure on me that I couldn't relax. And, I don't know Shannon, and I know she was just trying to be supportive, but she really made me more nervous. After I finished singing, everyone left the room and dispersed to other rooms where other choir people were singing. I stood outside my room with Monica and my dad. I heard Juanita yell for me. I looked over and saw my card. Before I could physically get it, I saw an S on it. Not a G. I had gotten a silver, a second. I started balling. I was so pissed and angry and ashamed and disappointed. I knew I could've done better. But, I didn't. The one time my solo counted, I butchered it. I couldn't believe it. I think I cried on Monica's shoulder for 15 minutes. I was so upset. I'm not supposed to be second best. Trebs are the people who are higher than other girls. I was ashamed. I still can't believe how I did yesterday. I called Anna crying. I told her I never want to sing again. She made me feel better some. But, I was still really angry. I was going to bring home a gold for her, but I let her down. I failed. She wasn't mad at me or disappointed with how I did, but I knew I could've done better for her. I wanted that gold more than anything. People keep saying not to beat myself up over this. But, my voice is the only thing I have going for me. It's the one thing I'm good at. I knew I couldn't done better, but I blew it. And I'll never let myself down for it.

Losing

i was lost, a mess, a disaster.
i had nowhere to go,
no one to trust,
all because no one understood.
i was alone
and afraid i would be forever,
but one day that all changed.
i felt like i finally had someone who understood me.
it was a relief,
a comfort,
a weight lifted.
finally somone wouldn't judge.
finally someone wouldn't lecture.
finally, a person who i could talk to
and who'd understand, not just nod.
it meant the world to me,
meant life to me.
someone who i could go to when i wanted life to end.
that one person who i've been needing as an outlet.
i feel like i've lost you, though.
i feel like i no longer matter to you,
if i ever did before.
i feel like im a pain and you don't want me around.
and it hurts more than anything.
knowing that the one person who understands
doesnt want me,
doesnt acknowledge me,
doesnt care.
i was finally starting to feel alive again,
feel worth something again,
but that all got ripped away.
i was afraid to let you in.
i was scared to death to even let myself admit and talk.
but, fearfully, i did.
i wish you would see.
i wish you could notice.
i wish more than anything you'd see how much you mean to me.
but, i cant help myself but back away now.
i want you in my life,
i want you to be here,
but im terrified of getting hurt more.
you do mean a lot to me,
but i cant allow myself to go any further.
i cant get hurt again,
i cant be let down again,
i cant.

Deep Inside

I get overwhelmed,
feel hurt, alone,
and worthless.
I shut myself away,
pull out my blades,
and react.
My thoughts freeze,
my hand has a mind of its own.
I watch as my skin parts,
leaving a bright red path behind.
I watch the blood trickle down my arm,
watch as my problems drain away.
I feel that sting, that pain,
that feeling that distracts me.
I feel it all, and I do more.
One after another, I feel better.
It's my release, my outlet,
the one thing I have control of.
Everything else aside,
nothing matters.
I feel better, feel relieved,
feel free.
I clean up, wash away the stains,
and return to everything that was going on,
everyone who doesn't understand.
My world stopped, yet everything continued.
Makes me wonder.
If it can go on for a few minutes without me,
it can go on forever without me.
But, I return anyways, knowing I have to.
I feel guilty.
I feel ashamed.
Yet, it's what I do.
It's my comfort,
it's my one stability.
It won't go away like people do.
It won't fail to relieve me.
It's my comfort,
my relief,
it's me.