Fearfully Trusting

I don't want this break to end. I've learned who's there and who isn't, who I truly trust and who I don't, and who I need and who I can go without.

Lately, I've been struggling with my past and my present. They're becoming intertwined, things from my past are getting mixed up in my present. My repressed thoughts are surfacing. I'm realizing them, but I don't feel anything when I they come up. I have the feelings later, but they aren't associated with the memories.

Growing up, I was somewhat neglected and definitely ripped of the love and nurturing every child should get from their parents. As a result, I'm afraid to allow people to get close to me in fear they're eventually going to hurt me. It seems to happen 98% of the time. But there are two people who I have fearfully taken into my life during this break. Brittany Johnson and Nicole Brassea are the two, the only two, who I truly truly trust, love, and need. They are the only ones who I don't hide things from. They understand me, they love me, they help me, they won't give up on me, they're becoming my best friends. They give me what nobody else does. I have never trusted someone as much as I trust them. I tell them everything, whether I'm ashamed of it or not. They can make me feel a million times better when every thing's going wrong. Brittany let's me call her at 2 in the morning crying and doesn't care if I wake her up. Nicole calls me at midnight seeing if every thing's okay and if I need to talk things out. They go out of their way for me. These two girls keep me going every day. I never thought I'd find someone who understands me or someone who loves me despite everything or someone who I don't have to hide things from, but I finally have found two amazing people, two amazing friends, that I can be my whole self around. And I thank God every day and every night and every moment I'm with them, for placing them in my life.

Drowning In My Past

Things are not bad at all. Life's great with the exception of the death of my friend's mom. But other than that, everything is amazing! I can't complain with the way life's going. But me, myself, is not great. My mind set hasn't changed.I accepted Christ, and I was truly changed. I felt it in the way I acted and the things I thought. But, why am I thinking this way again? I feel the closest to God now more than any other time in my life. But, I have those thoughts. I don't feel far from Him, or like I'm straying, at all. I'm just drowning in my past. I can see God all around me, but there's a cloud of my past surrounding me that I can't get away from. I'm just not sure what to do. I'm not lost, but I'm stuck.

And on top of trying to figure out what the heck is going on, I finally got to see my brother today. But, it sucked. He's a totally different person. It seemed as though he didn't love me anymore, and didn't care at all about me. It hurt a ton. I can't even describe it. I was sitting right behind him trying to hold back tears. But, he didn't even acknowledge I was there.

Real quick before I go to bed:

When I gave my presentation on my mask, I cried. I can't believe I did.

I MADE CONCERT CHOIR AS A SOPHMORE!!! Hobbs chose me and 3 other girls to be in it. As a sophmore making it, I'm soo excited! Only juniors and seniors make it! (: I'm pretty stoked to be in it a year early! WOOHOOO!

That's it. Off to bed now. I have school in the morning.

Psych Mask: Portraying Myself

In Psych, we have to paint masks portraying ourselves, not our likes and dislikes, but ourselves. It took me literally 3-4 weeks to come up with my ideas of how I was going to do my mask. But, man, doing this brings up a lot of feelings that I always push aside. On the inside of my mask, I have it painted yellow for the happiness I do have, but it's not true happiness. Then, I have a portion of it black representing the feelings of rejection and abandonment I feel from both sets of parents. I have a dotted line from that black spot to an "X marks the spot" for my long journey to true happiness. People say I have a big heart, so I drew a big heart on the right side of it. Most of it's red, standing for my love and compassion for others and how I always put them first. There's a very small portion that's pink which represents the love for myself. Then above the heart, there is a an area that has a bunch of colors standing for different feelings, like anger, hurt, sorrow. That represents how I bottle everything up. Thinking up the inside really stirred my emotions. All those things I tried to push aside came back. Thinking about the abandonment and rejection, thinking about how angry I am with myself and how I hate myself. It's all quite overwhelming.
The front was just kind of something I thought of. Different people see different sides of me. So, the front of my mask has 9 different colors representing the different groups of people who see a different side of me. But, in the middle, right down the center, there's a bold stripe. The stripe stands for the small amount of people who see the "real" me. But, it also represents the wall I put up to protect myself from getting hurt by anyone else like I have in the past.
This project really made me reflect. And taking about disorders in class was a little uncomfortable. To think I have a disorder. I don't like to think that way. I like to think it's a state I'm in. But, many things say otherwise. Mr. Holden said that 30 years ago, seeing a "shrink" wasn't normal. People would think you were insane or extremely sick. But, nowadays, it's okay. People realize they have a problem and what to try to overcome it as much as they can so they can live with happiness in their lives.
I have a disorder, and I want to be happy.

First Performance

Today was my first trebs performance. We went to St. Anthony's Hospital in Crown Point. I didn't think I'd be back so soon. I used to go a ton because of my heart. Anyhoo, although it was amazing and I LOVED it, it was a little nerve wracking. Surprisingly, I really like to wear dresses and do my hair even though I'm a tomboy. But, we sang for the elderly, and it brought me joy to see them smile and sing the songs to themselves. Then, we got to do a "meet and greet" where we go out and shake hands with them while we sing a song. It was just nice to see them smile and get so excited to have us there. It melted my heart. Today was fun, and it felt right. Many things never feel right, but today did. I felt like I was in the right place at the right time of my life. It was a reminder I'm doing what I need to be doing and I'm where I'm supposed to be. If I could do today over and over, I definitely would. It was a wonderful experience. But, I still have 7 performances, so I'll have more chances to do it all again. (:

9 DAYSSSSS!!!!!! (: (:

Accomplishing Goals

Since God told me what I can do for the kids who need sponsors, I made a list of three goals.

1) Write a note on facebook telling people about Compassion, everything about it, and how it has affected my life.

2) Send an e-mail to Danny and ask if he could tell his youth group about it and see if any kids want to sponsor a child.

3) Bring it to the congregation and other churches.

So far, I've completed two of those three goals. Well, I did #2, but I'm just waiting to see what he says about it, and #1 is done. #3 is a biggy. It's going to be the hardest to do. I'm actually a little nervous and apprehensive about it. I've never done something of this sort before. Iknow it's going to take some time organizing everything and probably by then I'll be more comfortable about it, but there's one person who I need a ton right now, for support. Unfortunately, I never see her. And, I'm not sure when I will.

I have to do this though. I can't "press the ignore button" on God or "hang up". I owe Him the whole thing. I have to accomplish all three goals, not just two of them.

Also, this is something I need to do on my own. Yes, I need some one's support, but I need only her's, no one else's.

Hits home

I was on my way to school when I heard a song that really punched me in the gut. It brought back feelings and memories of the awful times in my life. But, in a way, it was comforting because everything I did relieved pain and made me feel a ton better. I hear this song, and it brings back that same relief. This song talks about stuff I'm used to, stuff I can definitely relate to.


No one sits with him, he doesn’t fit in,
But we feel like we do when we make fun of him,
'Cause you want to belong, do you go along?
'Cause his pain is the price paid for you to belong
It’s not like you hate him or want him to die,
But maybe he goes home and thinks suicide,
Or he comes back to school with a gun at his side,
Any kindness from you might have saved his life...


Heroes are made when you make a choice...


You could be a hero,
Heroes do what’s right,
You could be a hero,
You might save a life,
You could be a hero, you could join the fight,
For what’s right, for what’s right, for what’s right...


No one talks to her, she feels so alone,
She’s in too much pain to survive on her own,
The hurt she can’t handle overflows to a knife,
She writes on her arm, wants to give up her life,
Each day she goes on is a day that she is brave,
Fighting the lie that giving up is the way,
Each moment of courage her own life she saves,
When she throws the pills out, a hero is made...


No one talks to him about how he lives,
He thinks that the choices he makes are just his,
Doesn’t know he’s a leader with the way he behaves,
And others will follow the choices he’s made,
He lives on the edge, he’s old enough to decide,
His brother who wants to be him is just nine,
He can do what he wants because it’s his right,
The choices he makes change a nine-year-old's life...


Little Mikey-Dee was the one in class
Who everyday got brutally harassed
This went on for years
Till he decided that never again would he shed another tear
So he walked through the door
And grabbed the .44 out of his father's dresser drawer
He said 'I can't take life no more'
And like that a life can be lost
But this ain't even about that
All of us just sat back and watched it happen
Thinking its not our responsibility
To solve a problem that isn't even about me
This is our problem.
This is just one of the daily scenarios
In which we choose to close our eyes
Instead of doing the right thing
If we make a choice and be the voice
For those who won't speak up for themselves
How many lives would be saved, changed, rearranged?
Now it's our time to pick a side.
So don't keep walking by not wanting to intervene,
Cause you just want to exist and never be seen.
So lets wake up, change the world
Our time is now.

~Hero, Superchick

Is it really Merry?

As much as I love the holidays, every year around this time, some memories and the repressed feelings on those memories come back. A lot of times, I don't like to think about the memories of past Christmas's because the things that happened were so amazing. My cousin, the guy who I trusted with my life and the one who I had an extremely close bond with, would come visit or we'd go visit him and his family. And, during the year, we'd talk everyday, whether it was on the phone or through email or writing letters, every single day. We basically grew up together. He was the one I knew to go to. He was the one I knew to go to for comfort and love. He took the place of my father. But, there was a period of 5 years when we didn't talk at all. Then, in 2006 my cousin got married. Over that period of time, I longed for my cousin. I longed for his love, his hugs, his voice, his affection, everything about him. At the wedding, I saw him. I saw the cousin who I longed for over those 5 years. I couldn't wait to be in his arms again and feel his love. But,I only got to hang out with him for about 5 minutes. I was extremely disappointed. I was hoping to catch up for the years we didn't have together. I can't express how angry and disappointed I was. I cried at the airport, on the plane, and on the way home. I just couldn't believe him. 5 years! I felt abandoned. It was like his love for me ran dry. I guess there was none left for me. But remembering those times we had during Christmas visits and then thinking about all the times he and I shared throughout my life, it brings back hurt and feelings of abandonment. Christmas to me doesn't come merrily. It has to be made merry.

Corrosive.... who knew a vocab word would be used in my life today?

So I went to the doctor today after school. I go every 2 weeks, and I didn't expect this week to be any different. I went in for my normal procedure, but instead of leaving with getting better, I left with a bigger problem. I ended up getting acid in my eye which hurt like no other! I had to wash my eye out, and to honest, I was extremely afraid. I didn't want to go blind! I'm already half-way deaf in one of my ears, and I definitely didn't want to be blind in one eye. I felt extremely bad for the nurse who did it, so I said everything was fine when I was on my way out. But, I got home and it was not, at all. My mom tried finding contact solution, but my sister's at school and took it with her. So, she used water. It helped a little, but it still feels as though there's something in my eye. I don't know if the acid just dried my eye out or if it burned of a layer of it. It felt as though layers were being taken off, but I'm not sure what really happened. But, I cannnot thank God enough for not making me go blind. That was definitely a blessing!

14 DAYS TILL MY BRO COMES HOME!!!!!!!!!!! (:

Freakin Ridiculous!

Last year I was on the science olympiad team. I competed in herpetology, astronomy, and some other event I can't remember. But, anyways, my partner and I won 1st in herpetology at the regional level. Our whole team made it to state, where she and I got 4th. This year, I was put as an alternate for every single event I signed up for. What the heck! And, what makes me even more pissed is that it was my partner from last year who assigned people to the events!!!! That wasn't far at all! I'm soo angry. She made sure her best friend and all the band people had events, even though all of them are rookies to it this year. Freakin freshmen beat me out. I loved science olympiad. I loved everything about it. But, because Emily decided to make a gay decision, I quit. I'm not doing it this year. I'm not going to back up my team mates when they decide to put the less experienced in the competition and leave the ones who know what they're doing as alternates. It's ridiculous and unfair. If they don't make it to state, no one's at fault but themselves.

To end on a happy note: TONY COMES HOME IN 15 DAYS!!!!!!!!! (: (: (:

Abundant Blessings-On Cloud Nine

I've been caught up in all the bad stuff in the past couple of weeks. But, since the bad has subsided, I'm seeing all the blessings God has given me that I didn't really see or realize before.

1) I got a job! Sure, I knew I got a job, but I didn't see it as a blessing. The first full week I worked was crazy busy, and I saw it as a bad thing. But, I got my first pay check last Thursday, and boy was it amazing! I had money to save for stuff. I had money to pay for my Joyce. I had money to support my friends. I didn't realize how independent and "grown up", for lack of a better phrase, I'd feel because of it. I've always wanted to feel like I earn things, and now, I do. I fully support Joyce. On my own. No help. Just me. And, I can now physically show my friends how much I care about them when things are bad. People don't usually show me love in the way that I can see it, so I put everything I have into each one of my friends to show them I much they mean to me.

2) The relationship I've been longing to have with my mother is actually forming. She bought me a fish last week, and it seems stupid, but since then, I've had feelings for her. Before, I could cared less about her. She and I fought constantly, never saw eye to eye, and lived extremely separate lives. We'd only talk if we needed something from the other person. Lately, we've been getting along amazingly, and we actually talk! I don't trust her enough to tell her my personal things, but we talk more than we ever have. I'm actually looking forward to the future because I know we're going to be together as mother and daughter instead of anything else. Just thinking about the love I've felt from her these past couple of weeks is really overwhelming. It makes me cry. I've never ever felt love from her, let alone the amount I'm getting from her now. I really hope this doesn't change. I can honestly say I love my mom now. Honestly, truly, and with meaning.

3) One of my cross country girls is coming home from Miami University the 18th, and she's coming to visit me at school!! I haven't seen her in a year, and since my freshman cross season, she and I have been getting closer. Also, because my mom and I used to be distant, I'd always look to older girls for the love I lacked from my mom. And, she was one of those girls who I look up to. It has meant the world to me getting to know her and growing closer to her. She has showed me love in a way I could feel it. Talking to her on facebook and on the phone has meant a ton because it shows me she cares about me, and that's what I long for. I long for people to care about me. I don't usually feel like many people do. So, this visit means more now than anything. And, to know she's coming just for me makes me feel loved. I'm so incredibly stoked!

4) The first thing I do when say my night prayers is thank God for absolutely everything and everyone I have in my life. Recently, I can't help but thank Him for giving me 6 specific people that I work with. Already, they are treating me like family. It's only my third week working, but I've become comfortable and am no longer shy around them. Last night, it was me and Elizabeth working. She's in my Spanish class, and in the beginning of the year, I wasn't really sure about her. I judged when I really shouldn't have. And, I'm ashamed I did because she's a really good person and is becoming one of my good friends. Also, I love Kenny, Trina, Kayla, Garrett, and Taylor S. They are the other amazing people I work with. And, I love them!

5) The one thing that isn't going too well right now is that I'm really sick. But, the good thing is that it came a week and a half before our first treb performance. I would've been dead if it came any later. Hobbs would've been off with me head..... no joke. Hopefully it'll go away by then.

6) My friend who I don't see often seems to be getting better. Or at least, that's how God's making me feel. I feel as though a weight has been lifted whenever I think of her. It's a relief, yes, but it makes me happy that she's seeming happier. I continue to pray for her, but God's plans for her are taking place, and I'm feeling them, whether she is, too, or not.

7) I saved the absolute best for last!!!!!!!! TONY'S COMING HOME!!! AND HE'LL BE HOME FOR CHRISTMAS!!! I listen to the wlit all the time. A couple nights ago, there was this mother who was sad her daughter was going into the navy and wouldn't be home for Christmas and her son who is going to join soon, also. It made me realize how blessed I am that Tony is coming home this year for Christmas! He was home last year, too, but he left 3 days before Christmas and 6 days before my first surgery. I cannot express how happy and relieved and thankful and EXCITED I am that he's coming home!!! It's finally my turn to have my big brother home to celebrate this wonderful holiday! I had to go without last year, and it was thee hardest thing I had ever done. I missed him like crazy, and all I did was cry. It was a rough Christmas. But, this year is going to be AMAZING! And a bonus! He'll be home for my birthday!!! WOOOOO! I'm counting down the days until he's here, and it's 16!

I pray that God may bless everyone like He is me. I feel closer to God now more than I ever have. It was because of my rough patch a few weeks ago that I'm feeling like this. But, it had to happen because I was slipping away from Him. I needed to go through that so that I could cry out to Him.

I love my God more than anything!!!! He gives me hope, faith, and happiness. I hope He does the same for you!

I'm an F-A-N-A-T-I-C, fanatic!

I've been hooked on an AMAZING song lately. I don't usually like rap, but I love this song.

Fanatic- Lacrae

I'm a F-A-N-A-T-I-C, Fanatic
I rep Christ till I D-I-E, Fanatic
I'm not extreme, I'm redeemed with faith
To serve a God whose extremely great
I'm a Fanatic


The world's trying to tidy up, exfoliate they skin
but only Christ can come and exfoliate they sin
And they fate look grim, If they don't take him
As the high priest he is to mediate they sin
The world's got to many Gods, man we choose the one
From hebrews, he rules, he bruised his son
He moves the sun
So if we prayin and our schools call us fools
Cuz our God's too true to shun
Channels two in one
Man it looks insane
TV make a lot Christians seem dramatically strange
Though we may be looked upon as one and same
We will not turn in shame, we proclaim the name
Christ Jesus, believe us, you ain't gotta recieve us
but we gon' follow our God wherever the bible lead us
And you can call us dramatic, fanatic, emphatic
But hate while you at it, take a look at our mathematics


I'm a F-A-N-A-T-I-C, Fanatic
I rep Christ till I D-I-E, Fanatic
I'm not extreme, I'm redeemed with faith
To serve a God whose extremely great
I'm a Fanatic


What can I do to make it simple, make it plain
Christ came, emptied himself and let out sin hang him
You couldn't blame him for any sin
While they singing many men
The crucifixion was pretty grim
But when we state the fact that God resurrects
We get funny looks from a world that doesn't get
We are not David Koresh or Krishna
Or the people on TV who glorifying their bishop
From Edwards to Piper, MacAurther to Spurgeon
From Dallas to France, From Cali to Berlin


As Christians all over who getting the word in
We ain't crazy we just understand the truth and we burdened
The world sees us as evangelical Christians
As narrow-minded fanatics with a mythical mission
Labeled extremists for sharing out faith
But thats cool, we can carry the weight of persecution
Cuz earth is losing
And if we yelling the truth
We honored to be the people that our God is using
So keep it movingCuz if we yelling the truth
We honored to be the people that our God is using


I'm a F-A-N-A-T-I-C, Fanatic
I rep Christ till I D-I-E, Fanatic
I'm not extreme, I'm redeemed with faith
To serve a God whose extremely great
I'm a Fanatic


They thought Jesus was out of his mind
they laughed and mocked him
Called him a cult leader and they tried to stop him
Pharisees said Christ got his power from Satan
Hatin', on the very one that came to save 'em
Even after he rose, man the world ain't changed
They still rejecting the name, still look at us strange
Still tell us without shame that our faith's insane
and, "it don't take all that to be a Christian man"
And its hard when you tryin to reach your family and stuff
They say man, "you too spiritual, you doing to much"
So we show them the love of Christ and live in the light
So they can glorify our God when they look at our life
And we win for sharing the truth and hearts get changed
We win if we're rejected because of his name
We win if seeds get planted and watered and grow
But even if we lost, we still be Fanatical though


I'm a F-A-N-A-T-I-C, Fanatic
I rep Christ till I D-I-E, Fanatic
I'm not extreme, I'm redeemed with faith
To serve a God whose extremely great
I'm a Fanatic