disappointed, discouraged, ashamed, embarrassed, and low

I've never felt so disappointed, discouraged, ashamed, embarrassed, and low in my life. I practiced my solo a million times and nailed it each time. But, that was only at voice lessons.

The night before contest, I was starting to feel anxoius, excited, and nervous. My friend Mike encouraged me and I settled down a little. I went to bed, looking forward to ISSMA the next morning. I got up and didn't feel nervous at all. But, as I started getting ready and driving there, I was scared to death. There were little things that I was worried about in my song, and I tried singing it in the car on the way, but I forgot the words. It definitely made things nerve-wrecking. But, I called my friend Anna, who was getting ready for a track meet in Virginia, and she made me feel a lot better. I was standing outside my room waiting to go in. I was shaking I was so nervous. I turned around, and my best friend Monica had actually showed up to see me sing! That kind of relieved me, because she's one of the people who helps me focus before a meet. People from choir came up to me, gave me hugs, and wished me luck, and it made me feel a tad better, but not really, because it was more pressure. I went into my room, and got ready to sing. In the room with me was Monica, my dad, Pastor Ken and Beth, LJ, Nancy Gray, Kirsten, Cheryl, Kevin, Jef and Juanita, Shannon, and Hobbs. I looked at Juanita and nodded for her to start my song. I don't really remember much after that except that my voice cracked in the middle of the song and my breath support was terrible because nerves got the best of me. I turned around to look at Juanita after I sang. I was soo angry with how I did.

I totally bombed my solo. I let everyone down, especially Hobbs. I'm in trebs. I'm not supposed to suck like I did. I had so much pressure on me that I couldn't relax. And, I don't know Shannon, and I know she was just trying to be supportive, but she really made me more nervous. After I finished singing, everyone left the room and dispersed to other rooms where other choir people were singing. I stood outside my room with Monica and my dad. I heard Juanita yell for me. I looked over and saw my card. Before I could physically get it, I saw an S on it. Not a G. I had gotten a silver, a second. I started balling. I was so pissed and angry and ashamed and disappointed. I knew I could've done better. But, I didn't. The one time my solo counted, I butchered it. I couldn't believe it. I think I cried on Monica's shoulder for 15 minutes. I was so upset. I'm not supposed to be second best. Trebs are the people who are higher than other girls. I was ashamed. I still can't believe how I did yesterday. I called Anna crying. I told her I never want to sing again. She made me feel better some. But, I was still really angry. I was going to bring home a gold for her, but I let her down. I failed. She wasn't mad at me or disappointed with how I did, but I knew I could've done better for her. I wanted that gold more than anything. People keep saying not to beat myself up over this. But, my voice is the only thing I have going for me. It's the one thing I'm good at. I knew I couldn't done better, but I blew it. And I'll never let myself down for it.

Losing

i was lost, a mess, a disaster.
i had nowhere to go,
no one to trust,
all because no one understood.
i was alone
and afraid i would be forever,
but one day that all changed.
i felt like i finally had someone who understood me.
it was a relief,
a comfort,
a weight lifted.
finally somone wouldn't judge.
finally someone wouldn't lecture.
finally, a person who i could talk to
and who'd understand, not just nod.
it meant the world to me,
meant life to me.
someone who i could go to when i wanted life to end.
that one person who i've been needing as an outlet.
i feel like i've lost you, though.
i feel like i no longer matter to you,
if i ever did before.
i feel like im a pain and you don't want me around.
and it hurts more than anything.
knowing that the one person who understands
doesnt want me,
doesnt acknowledge me,
doesnt care.
i was finally starting to feel alive again,
feel worth something again,
but that all got ripped away.
i was afraid to let you in.
i was scared to death to even let myself admit and talk.
but, fearfully, i did.
i wish you would see.
i wish you could notice.
i wish more than anything you'd see how much you mean to me.
but, i cant help myself but back away now.
i want you in my life,
i want you to be here,
but im terrified of getting hurt more.
you do mean a lot to me,
but i cant allow myself to go any further.
i cant get hurt again,
i cant be let down again,
i cant.

Deep Inside

I get overwhelmed,
feel hurt, alone,
and worthless.
I shut myself away,
pull out my blades,
and react.
My thoughts freeze,
my hand has a mind of its own.
I watch as my skin parts,
leaving a bright red path behind.
I watch the blood trickle down my arm,
watch as my problems drain away.
I feel that sting, that pain,
that feeling that distracts me.
I feel it all, and I do more.
One after another, I feel better.
It's my release, my outlet,
the one thing I have control of.
Everything else aside,
nothing matters.
I feel better, feel relieved,
feel free.
I clean up, wash away the stains,
and return to everything that was going on,
everyone who doesn't understand.
My world stopped, yet everything continued.
Makes me wonder.
If it can go on for a few minutes without me,
it can go on forever without me.
But, I return anyways, knowing I have to.
I feel guilty.
I feel ashamed.
Yet, it's what I do.
It's my comfort,
it's my one stability.
It won't go away like people do.
It won't fail to relieve me.
It's my comfort,
my relief,
it's me.

Why Am I Alive?

Everyday I wonder what the point of me being here is. Nobody cares about me, and nobody would even notice if I were gone. Why am i here? Today, I figured out music is the thing keeping me here. It can't hurt me, it relaxes me and eases pain, it's always here, I don't have to trust it or pretend I trust it. It's the perfect companion, and I love it.

I downloaded songs from choir that I have to learn for the gospel concert that's in a little more than a week. Two of the songs I play over and over. My God is a Rock and Praise His Holy Name. I love them. But, I don't know if I play them constantly because I love them or because they're battle cries.

I hate to admit it, but I'm really lost. I've taken a million wrong turns, and I'm screwed. I feel so far away from where I was and where I should be. And, it doesn't help that I'm stuck behind a gigantic bushel of thorn bushes holding me back from God. I know God's with me. I can't necessarily feel Him, but I kind of do. It's like having a friend right next to you, but just not acknowledging that they're there. I know He's here, but right now, I'm caught up in everything that I'm not giving Him any of my time or attention. And, I know that's a really terrible thing.

I've learned, though, that God has a reason for why I do this. It's to finally get help and be released from all my pain. I'm kind of looking forward to counseling. It was freeing to talk to Mrs. Ochman. I knew I could talk and not be judged. I wish I didn't have to go to anyone else. I wish I could have her as my counselor. I'm comfortable with her. Which makes me a little nervous for counseling, too. My mom doesn't understand how I want a young person, a girl. I found this place where I think I'd do really well at because it's students from a college who counsel. But, they don't take insurance. Without insurance, it's $60 a session. She said it's too expensive. Compared to the lady I went to before, it's almost $100 cheaper. I really want to go to this place. I offered to pay for it myself. But, she refused. I was extremely frustrated because she doesn't understand. She thinks she does, but she doesn't. She thinks she can find the right place, but she can't. I feel like she thinks this is all a phase. Like in a few days I won't want to get help, and she doesn't have to spend money. And, that hurts. Everything to her is a phase. Growing up she'd always say "you'll get over it" or "you'll be fine". That definitely showed her lack of interest and care for me. It's just all frustrating. She's frustrating! I do wish she would understand, but she can't. No matter how much she thinks she does, she can never.

Back to help, I know where I want to go. And, it doesn't include christian counseling or some old person who thinks the know what I'm going through. I don't want to go to some christian counselor. They're just going to lecture about how much I'm hurting God and giving into the devil. The first time someone told me all that, I was okay with hearing it because I hadn't heard it before. But, when people reiterate what my friend said to me, it gets annoying. I know all that stuff. I do. But, honestly, it makes me feel worse when people say it over and over because it makes me feel like I'm not good enough of a Christian. I want to go somewhere where I won't get lectured at about how I'm hurting God or how cutting is wrong. Seriously, I would pay for myself to go to Purdue Cal for counseling.

I can't get past the feelings that people are giving up on me, leaving me, though they said they wouldn't. I hate letting myself get close to people because I know they're going to leave. It's like being abandoned all over, as if being abandoned by my birth parents wasn't enough. I don't need more people to leave me. I feel like I'm going to be alone the rest of my life because they're going to leave or I'm going to be too afraid to let people in.

Pains Me To Lose You

I knew from the beginning I had made a mistake letting people come close to me. I let a few people in on a huge secret, and now, I feel like everyone is leaving me. I feel alone and on my own, like no one cares anymore. I felt withdrawn from the world because of my problems, but I knew I had a few people there with me. Now, I don't feel them. I just feel overwhelmed with everything. I have nobody to lean on or talk to. It feels as though everyone I've come to love and trust and need in the past few months are gone. It's scary, and it hurts. What got me to the place I'm at now is keeping things to myself. I've tried opening up, but in the end, it just hurts me more. So, I'm chosing to close myself off to avoid getting hurt again.

I let you come close
though I feared it and knew I'd get hurt.
I let myself tell you everything and confide in you,
but in the end, you left me.
I thought you cared,
thought you were finally
one to understand,
but it pains me to think & feel that I'm losing you.
What did I do?
Where did I go wrong?
Why am I losing people I so deeply care about?
I dont understand and it hurts.
So for now, I'm closing myself off,
until I know and feel for sure you're here,
and here to stay.

A snow day, but one of realization

Earlier today, I was listening to Jesus Paid It All by Kristian Stanfill. I always listen to this song, like a thousand times a day when doing homework or talking to people online or just when doing whatever because it's in my favorites play list. So it wasn't out of the norm that I heard it while I was online. But, for some reason when it played, I paid attention to the words. The chorus and the bridge definitely got to me.

Jesus Paid It All
All To Him I Owe
Sin Had Left a Crimson Stain
He Washed It White As Snow

O Praise the One Who Paid My Debt
And Raised This Life Up From the Dead

Since Sunday, I've had a million and one things on my mind. My relationship with Christ, soul phish and the problems its having (and being the most experienced singer, the one who's been in it the longest, its quite upsetting and frustrating when what you're leading is all going wrong), debating getting help, making sure I don't hurt or upset anybody when I get too overwhelmed, holding up relationships with my friends while I struggle with myself, work, studying for finals, and the dream I had the other night replaying over and over in my head. It's a heck of a lot, especially for me. Usually when I get overwhelmed, I add a few more to my arm.

But, I was listening to that song, and something clicked in my head. I put two and two together. There have been three people who have been saying the same thing over and over again to me. But, I never felt anything, though I should have. This song definitely made me fell ashamed, convicted, and guilty of what I'm doing. Jesus died for me. Me. The person who constantly feels worthless and not good enough. And, I'm cutting myself. This is how I'm repaying Him? By hurting Him? He gave His life for me, and I'm doing this. I mean, if I gave my life for someone who I didn't know face to face, and they did this to themselves, I'd be hurt and angry and thinking why 'd I give my life if they're just going to do that.

In the end, I realized I do need the help people want me to get. I need it for my sake, my friends' sake, and the sake of my relationship with Christ. I'm still scared to death, but who knows, maybe I'll finally be able to be happy.

Taking My Mask Off

I've never felt so much of a person as I do now. Just realizing who I can always talk to, who I need, and who I trust has made me feel like I exist. There's not a day where I don't thank God for the people He has blessed me with, especially the two girls who I so fearfully accepted into my life. They know me. I don't hide anything from them, and because of that, I can be my whole self around them. I can take off that mask I wear at school and church and home and everywhere else. They make me feel comfortable, and it's a total relief to finally have a few certain people I can just be myself around.
It's short and sweet and to the point. These two girls, Nicole Brassea and Britti Johnson, have made a HUGE impact in my life and have changed my outlook. I love them with all my heart, and I don't know where I'd be without them.