Is it really Merry?

As much as I love the holidays, every year around this time, some memories and the repressed feelings on those memories come back. A lot of times, I don't like to think about the memories of past Christmas's because the things that happened were so amazing. My cousin, the guy who I trusted with my life and the one who I had an extremely close bond with, would come visit or we'd go visit him and his family. And, during the year, we'd talk everyday, whether it was on the phone or through email or writing letters, every single day. We basically grew up together. He was the one I knew to go to. He was the one I knew to go to for comfort and love. He took the place of my father. But, there was a period of 5 years when we didn't talk at all. Then, in 2006 my cousin got married. Over that period of time, I longed for my cousin. I longed for his love, his hugs, his voice, his affection, everything about him. At the wedding, I saw him. I saw the cousin who I longed for over those 5 years. I couldn't wait to be in his arms again and feel his love. But,I only got to hang out with him for about 5 minutes. I was extremely disappointed. I was hoping to catch up for the years we didn't have together. I can't express how angry and disappointed I was. I cried at the airport, on the plane, and on the way home. I just couldn't believe him. 5 years! I felt abandoned. It was like his love for me ran dry. I guess there was none left for me. But remembering those times we had during Christmas visits and then thinking about all the times he and I shared throughout my life, it brings back hurt and feelings of abandonment. Christmas to me doesn't come merrily. It has to be made merry.