A snow day, but one of realization

Earlier today, I was listening to Jesus Paid It All by Kristian Stanfill. I always listen to this song, like a thousand times a day when doing homework or talking to people online or just when doing whatever because it's in my favorites play list. So it wasn't out of the norm that I heard it while I was online. But, for some reason when it played, I paid attention to the words. The chorus and the bridge definitely got to me.

Jesus Paid It All
All To Him I Owe
Sin Had Left a Crimson Stain
He Washed It White As Snow

O Praise the One Who Paid My Debt
And Raised This Life Up From the Dead

Since Sunday, I've had a million and one things on my mind. My relationship with Christ, soul phish and the problems its having (and being the most experienced singer, the one who's been in it the longest, its quite upsetting and frustrating when what you're leading is all going wrong), debating getting help, making sure I don't hurt or upset anybody when I get too overwhelmed, holding up relationships with my friends while I struggle with myself, work, studying for finals, and the dream I had the other night replaying over and over in my head. It's a heck of a lot, especially for me. Usually when I get overwhelmed, I add a few more to my arm.

But, I was listening to that song, and something clicked in my head. I put two and two together. There have been three people who have been saying the same thing over and over again to me. But, I never felt anything, though I should have. This song definitely made me fell ashamed, convicted, and guilty of what I'm doing. Jesus died for me. Me. The person who constantly feels worthless and not good enough. And, I'm cutting myself. This is how I'm repaying Him? By hurting Him? He gave His life for me, and I'm doing this. I mean, if I gave my life for someone who I didn't know face to face, and they did this to themselves, I'd be hurt and angry and thinking why 'd I give my life if they're just going to do that.

In the end, I realized I do need the help people want me to get. I need it for my sake, my friends' sake, and the sake of my relationship with Christ. I'm still scared to death, but who knows, maybe I'll finally be able to be happy.

Taking My Mask Off

I've never felt so much of a person as I do now. Just realizing who I can always talk to, who I need, and who I trust has made me feel like I exist. There's not a day where I don't thank God for the people He has blessed me with, especially the two girls who I so fearfully accepted into my life. They know me. I don't hide anything from them, and because of that, I can be my whole self around them. I can take off that mask I wear at school and church and home and everywhere else. They make me feel comfortable, and it's a total relief to finally have a few certain people I can just be myself around.
It's short and sweet and to the point. These two girls, Nicole Brassea and Britti Johnson, have made a HUGE impact in my life and have changed my outlook. I love them with all my heart, and I don't know where I'd be without them.

Fearfully Trusting

I don't want this break to end. I've learned who's there and who isn't, who I truly trust and who I don't, and who I need and who I can go without.

Lately, I've been struggling with my past and my present. They're becoming intertwined, things from my past are getting mixed up in my present. My repressed thoughts are surfacing. I'm realizing them, but I don't feel anything when I they come up. I have the feelings later, but they aren't associated with the memories.

Growing up, I was somewhat neglected and definitely ripped of the love and nurturing every child should get from their parents. As a result, I'm afraid to allow people to get close to me in fear they're eventually going to hurt me. It seems to happen 98% of the time. But there are two people who I have fearfully taken into my life during this break. Brittany Johnson and Nicole Brassea are the two, the only two, who I truly truly trust, love, and need. They are the only ones who I don't hide things from. They understand me, they love me, they help me, they won't give up on me, they're becoming my best friends. They give me what nobody else does. I have never trusted someone as much as I trust them. I tell them everything, whether I'm ashamed of it or not. They can make me feel a million times better when every thing's going wrong. Brittany let's me call her at 2 in the morning crying and doesn't care if I wake her up. Nicole calls me at midnight seeing if every thing's okay and if I need to talk things out. They go out of their way for me. These two girls keep me going every day. I never thought I'd find someone who understands me or someone who loves me despite everything or someone who I don't have to hide things from, but I finally have found two amazing people, two amazing friends, that I can be my whole self around. And I thank God every day and every night and every moment I'm with them, for placing them in my life.

Drowning In My Past

Things are not bad at all. Life's great with the exception of the death of my friend's mom. But other than that, everything is amazing! I can't complain with the way life's going. But me, myself, is not great. My mind set hasn't changed.I accepted Christ, and I was truly changed. I felt it in the way I acted and the things I thought. But, why am I thinking this way again? I feel the closest to God now more than any other time in my life. But, I have those thoughts. I don't feel far from Him, or like I'm straying, at all. I'm just drowning in my past. I can see God all around me, but there's a cloud of my past surrounding me that I can't get away from. I'm just not sure what to do. I'm not lost, but I'm stuck.

And on top of trying to figure out what the heck is going on, I finally got to see my brother today. But, it sucked. He's a totally different person. It seemed as though he didn't love me anymore, and didn't care at all about me. It hurt a ton. I can't even describe it. I was sitting right behind him trying to hold back tears. But, he didn't even acknowledge I was there.

Real quick before I go to bed:

When I gave my presentation on my mask, I cried. I can't believe I did.

I MADE CONCERT CHOIR AS A SOPHMORE!!! Hobbs chose me and 3 other girls to be in it. As a sophmore making it, I'm soo excited! Only juniors and seniors make it! (: I'm pretty stoked to be in it a year early! WOOHOOO!

That's it. Off to bed now. I have school in the morning.

Psych Mask: Portraying Myself

In Psych, we have to paint masks portraying ourselves, not our likes and dislikes, but ourselves. It took me literally 3-4 weeks to come up with my ideas of how I was going to do my mask. But, man, doing this brings up a lot of feelings that I always push aside. On the inside of my mask, I have it painted yellow for the happiness I do have, but it's not true happiness. Then, I have a portion of it black representing the feelings of rejection and abandonment I feel from both sets of parents. I have a dotted line from that black spot to an "X marks the spot" for my long journey to true happiness. People say I have a big heart, so I drew a big heart on the right side of it. Most of it's red, standing for my love and compassion for others and how I always put them first. There's a very small portion that's pink which represents the love for myself. Then above the heart, there is a an area that has a bunch of colors standing for different feelings, like anger, hurt, sorrow. That represents how I bottle everything up. Thinking up the inside really stirred my emotions. All those things I tried to push aside came back. Thinking about the abandonment and rejection, thinking about how angry I am with myself and how I hate myself. It's all quite overwhelming.
The front was just kind of something I thought of. Different people see different sides of me. So, the front of my mask has 9 different colors representing the different groups of people who see a different side of me. But, in the middle, right down the center, there's a bold stripe. The stripe stands for the small amount of people who see the "real" me. But, it also represents the wall I put up to protect myself from getting hurt by anyone else like I have in the past.
This project really made me reflect. And taking about disorders in class was a little uncomfortable. To think I have a disorder. I don't like to think that way. I like to think it's a state I'm in. But, many things say otherwise. Mr. Holden said that 30 years ago, seeing a "shrink" wasn't normal. People would think you were insane or extremely sick. But, nowadays, it's okay. People realize they have a problem and what to try to overcome it as much as they can so they can live with happiness in their lives.
I have a disorder, and I want to be happy.

First Performance

Today was my first trebs performance. We went to St. Anthony's Hospital in Crown Point. I didn't think I'd be back so soon. I used to go a ton because of my heart. Anyhoo, although it was amazing and I LOVED it, it was a little nerve wracking. Surprisingly, I really like to wear dresses and do my hair even though I'm a tomboy. But, we sang for the elderly, and it brought me joy to see them smile and sing the songs to themselves. Then, we got to do a "meet and greet" where we go out and shake hands with them while we sing a song. It was just nice to see them smile and get so excited to have us there. It melted my heart. Today was fun, and it felt right. Many things never feel right, but today did. I felt like I was in the right place at the right time of my life. It was a reminder I'm doing what I need to be doing and I'm where I'm supposed to be. If I could do today over and over, I definitely would. It was a wonderful experience. But, I still have 7 performances, so I'll have more chances to do it all again. (:

9 DAYSSSSS!!!!!! (: (: