A snow day, but one of realization

Earlier today, I was listening to Jesus Paid It All by Kristian Stanfill. I always listen to this song, like a thousand times a day when doing homework or talking to people online or just when doing whatever because it's in my favorites play list. So it wasn't out of the norm that I heard it while I was online. But, for some reason when it played, I paid attention to the words. The chorus and the bridge definitely got to me.

Jesus Paid It All
All To Him I Owe
Sin Had Left a Crimson Stain
He Washed It White As Snow

O Praise the One Who Paid My Debt
And Raised This Life Up From the Dead

Since Sunday, I've had a million and one things on my mind. My relationship with Christ, soul phish and the problems its having (and being the most experienced singer, the one who's been in it the longest, its quite upsetting and frustrating when what you're leading is all going wrong), debating getting help, making sure I don't hurt or upset anybody when I get too overwhelmed, holding up relationships with my friends while I struggle with myself, work, studying for finals, and the dream I had the other night replaying over and over in my head. It's a heck of a lot, especially for me. Usually when I get overwhelmed, I add a few more to my arm.

But, I was listening to that song, and something clicked in my head. I put two and two together. There have been three people who have been saying the same thing over and over again to me. But, I never felt anything, though I should have. This song definitely made me fell ashamed, convicted, and guilty of what I'm doing. Jesus died for me. Me. The person who constantly feels worthless and not good enough. And, I'm cutting myself. This is how I'm repaying Him? By hurting Him? He gave His life for me, and I'm doing this. I mean, if I gave my life for someone who I didn't know face to face, and they did this to themselves, I'd be hurt and angry and thinking why 'd I give my life if they're just going to do that.

In the end, I realized I do need the help people want me to get. I need it for my sake, my friends' sake, and the sake of my relationship with Christ. I'm still scared to death, but who knows, maybe I'll finally be able to be happy.