Last night, I went to the Maunday Thursday service at church. I mainly went because I really had no desire to go to counseling even though this past week was extremely hard, and it probably would've helped. But, church had more in store for my than I had originally thought.
When Mike started the service, Sarah leaned over to me and said she was going to miss Mike and that he was the only youth pastor we have had that actually cared about each and every one of us. Her saying that brought me back to the moment feelings I had the moment my parents told me. On a side note: I don't know why, but this has finally made me cry. Since December, I've been fighting back tears because crying is weakness. It was never okay to me. Back to what I was saying: when Sarah said that to me, I started crying. I really don't want to believe it. But, I know I have to because it's going to happen. Later on, it was time for communion, even though I never do it for a reason. Communion last night was different. Instead of Mike and Pastor Ken serving us, everyone got into a circle around the sanctuary and served the person next to them. When they finished serving, they held hands. It was....touching, I guess you could say. It made me realize how much love there is in our church even though we are divided by our ages. I could physically see the love of our church. It made me cry. It was just awesome and to see everyone, Christians, come together. It was really cool. When everyone went back to their pews, I texted my best friend Anna. I said "you know I love you, right"? She answered back, "yes I do. thats why youre gonna quit cutting (: i love you too". Because of the realizations I made at church, I responded "yes I will quit for you...and thats a promise I will keep". That made her so happy, and I loved it. I love making her proud and happy.
This past week has been extremely hard, and I kept telling Anna that I need to cut, I need it. But, the service made me realize and feel I have to stop for her. It gave me the drive to get better. I have to. There's not much more to it. I have to try, and I will eventually quit for her.
I realized the love of my church. I finally saw and felt the love Anna has for me, and I realized, for Anna, I have to stop cutting.
I will stop.... I promised Anna I would, and I will.
Friday, April 10, 2009
Monday, April 6, 2009
Not Fair
I never miss school. Ever. I've missed two days in the past 5 years. But today I couldn't handle it anymore. I couldn't sit through 6 hours of school, 2 hours of practice, and 4 hours of work while fighting back tears. I just couldn't.
I wrote before that I so fearfully allowed three people to come into my life. Now, I wonder why. Why was I so stupid? I knew it all would end the same. Why did I let myself believe this case would be any different? I've been hurt by so many people, I should've known. I should've known better than to let anyone get close to me. I should've known better than to open up. I should've known better than to trust. I should've known!!!!! It happens every time! I continually set myself up thinking maybe this is the one person I can trust, but they just end up leaving. I've had it with that! I've had it with everything! The feelings, the thoughts, the hurt! From now on, no one is going to get close to me. I'm not going to let them. I'm not going to let myself open up. I can't allow myself to get hurt. I'm protecting myself. And, I can't allow my friendship with someone move any further. Actually, it's better to drop it completely than let it stay where it's at. It's just going to be a daily reminder of the hurt.
I've had it with people leaving. I'm so tired and exhausted and I can't take it anymore.
I wrote before that I so fearfully allowed three people to come into my life. Now, I wonder why. Why was I so stupid? I knew it all would end the same. Why did I let myself believe this case would be any different? I've been hurt by so many people, I should've known. I should've known better than to let anyone get close to me. I should've known better than to open up. I should've known better than to trust. I should've known!!!!! It happens every time! I continually set myself up thinking maybe this is the one person I can trust, but they just end up leaving. I've had it with that! I've had it with everything! The feelings, the thoughts, the hurt! From now on, no one is going to get close to me. I'm not going to let them. I'm not going to let myself open up. I can't allow myself to get hurt. I'm protecting myself. And, I can't allow my friendship with someone move any further. Actually, it's better to drop it completely than let it stay where it's at. It's just going to be a daily reminder of the hurt.
I've had it with people leaving. I'm so tired and exhausted and I can't take it anymore.
Friday, March 27, 2009
Plain and Simple
I don't know what to do or say or think anymore. Everything has been stirred up, and its really hard to settle those feelings again. They won't leave my heart and my mind. My mind has never wandered this much. But, somehow my counselor sees me progressing and says I'm doing really well.
I just don't know.
I just don't know.
Saturday, March 14, 2009
This Way or That??
I'm frustrated and tired beyond belief. I know I decided earlier I was going to fight, but that was before I starting getting help. I'm on the fence with what to do. I want so badly to run one way, but I know I should go the other.
Why To Fight:
*I want to get better. I want all of this to end. I want to be normal. And, I know this is the only way to get that.
*At school, it was relieving to talk to Mrs. Ochman about how I was really feeling; feeling like I was worthless, feeling like I wasn't good enough, feeling like I was insignificant. I want to be able to talk more and get those feelings out, so I can get past them, and really start living.
* There are three people, who mean the world to me, who want to me go. I don't want to disappoint them or make them mad at me.
*Most important reason: God. He died for me. He never gave up when the world's sins where on Him. He wants to see me on the other end... at the finish line. I guess it's like a race: once you start you have to finish. You can't just stop in the middle or try to take different ways. You have to stick to the course... God's course, and push through the pain. Eventually, you'll make it to the end.
Why To Give Up:
*The biggest thing: I'm so exhausted and frustrated that I'm not getting anywhere. I've gone for a month now, and not even the slightest bit of change has occurred. Not even a little bit. I understand it's going to take time, but nothing has changed in the month I've gone. Why waste any more of my time with something that's not helping? Why open myself up to someone who's not helping? Why bother with any of it?
*I'm so used to it now, I can't see my life without it. It's my comfort, it's my relief. I'd be lost without it. I'm always going to be a cutter. It's who I am.
*Nobody else I know goes. Why should I? If it were normal, everyone would be going. I care a lot about what people think and going with what other people do, and this is not helping either of those. People find out I go, and life could get worse. Nobody else has a counselor, why should I?
I want so badly to give up. I want so badly to give in, and live like this forever. It sucks, but it's the easy thing to do.
My heart and mind both tell me the same thing: give up, but there's an external thought that puts me on the fence: I know it's bad, and I need help.
Why To Fight:
*I want to get better. I want all of this to end. I want to be normal. And, I know this is the only way to get that.
*At school, it was relieving to talk to Mrs. Ochman about how I was really feeling; feeling like I was worthless, feeling like I wasn't good enough, feeling like I was insignificant. I want to be able to talk more and get those feelings out, so I can get past them, and really start living.
* There are three people, who mean the world to me, who want to me go. I don't want to disappoint them or make them mad at me.
*Most important reason: God. He died for me. He never gave up when the world's sins where on Him. He wants to see me on the other end... at the finish line. I guess it's like a race: once you start you have to finish. You can't just stop in the middle or try to take different ways. You have to stick to the course... God's course, and push through the pain. Eventually, you'll make it to the end.
Why To Give Up:
*The biggest thing: I'm so exhausted and frustrated that I'm not getting anywhere. I've gone for a month now, and not even the slightest bit of change has occurred. Not even a little bit. I understand it's going to take time, but nothing has changed in the month I've gone. Why waste any more of my time with something that's not helping? Why open myself up to someone who's not helping? Why bother with any of it?
*I'm so used to it now, I can't see my life without it. It's my comfort, it's my relief. I'd be lost without it. I'm always going to be a cutter. It's who I am.
*Nobody else I know goes. Why should I? If it were normal, everyone would be going. I care a lot about what people think and going with what other people do, and this is not helping either of those. People find out I go, and life could get worse. Nobody else has a counselor, why should I?
I want so badly to give up. I want so badly to give in, and live like this forever. It sucks, but it's the easy thing to do.
My heart and mind both tell me the same thing: give up, but there's an external thought that puts me on the fence: I know it's bad, and I need help.
Monday, February 16, 2009
Battling with Believing
These past few days were a heck of a weekend. I've been fighting with what I believe and what I should and shouldn't believe, and it's exhausting.
I know it's not my fault, but the problem is, I only know it's not my fault. People have said it over and over to me. I don't believe it, though. There are so many things telling me I could've prevented it, both times. I should've stayed outside. I should've had a friend come with me. I should've known better, at 13, than to go back. I should've fought harder. I should've walked instead of got dropped off before she was home. I should've waited outside. I should've waited until after she got home to even leave my house. I should've seen it coming. There are so many should have's. But, people tell me it was out of my control. I admit the first time, I couldn't really do anything, sure. I didn't know what it was. The second time though, it's harder to believe. I really wish I could understand and fully believe it wasn't my fault, but I don't know what will make me truly believe it.
I know God loves me. I know He's hurting with me. I know that. But, do I believe it? Not totally. I should not say that, or at all question that, but I do. It's really hard not to. After reading Isaiah 43:1-3, I feel a little better, and I can feel God. But I still have one conflict that I'm battling with: why'd He let this happen? He gave everyone a gift, and it was taken from me. I was going to save myself for the right man. Now, I can't. It was really hard to sit and listen to Mike talk about this stuff, even though he was talking about sex as a choice. But, I wish I could still be pure. I wish I still had the gift to "open". I wish I wasn't scarred or hurt. I wish I could still trust men. I wish had everything back.
I know all this doesn't define me. Again, it's really hard to believe. To me, this is who I am. I am a cutter. I am an emotional wreck. I am unwanted. I am a ton of things. I have a hard time dealing with people leaving. I always will. I have a hard time with being adopted, especially because my dad intentionally left me. I always will. It's his fault I had to be given up. I have a hard time with releasing my feelings in a healthy way. I always will. I have a hard time believing that people care. I always will. I have a hard time with a lot of things, and always will. These things make up me. Maybe not define, but to me, it sure seems like they do. But, I know I should be defined as one thing, and one thing only, a child of God. Honestly though, I don't know how or what to do. Or if there's even anything I can do.
I know I shouldn't turn to this, but I do. I believe in this way. It distracts, it relieves, it helps. But, I'm told I should turn to the Lord instead. However, since I believe in this way, it's difficult to go to Him.
I know it's not the right way out of things, but I don't believe it completely. I'm so close, and so want to. It'll be a lot easier, for everyone. I won't have to deal with all this any longer. I can finally be done with it all. I can be at peace. But, she tells me otherwise. She says the only way I can be at peace is through Him.
I know so many things. People tell me over and over, but I'm battling with myself. And, I'm not winning. I should've, I wish, I am and always will. I know I should believe the things she says, and I'm trying, but it's extremely difficult. I guess it all comes down to me questioning why even though I shouldn't.
I know it's not my fault, but the problem is, I only know it's not my fault. People have said it over and over to me. I don't believe it, though. There are so many things telling me I could've prevented it, both times. I should've stayed outside. I should've had a friend come with me. I should've known better, at 13, than to go back. I should've fought harder. I should've walked instead of got dropped off before she was home. I should've waited outside. I should've waited until after she got home to even leave my house. I should've seen it coming. There are so many should have's. But, people tell me it was out of my control. I admit the first time, I couldn't really do anything, sure. I didn't know what it was. The second time though, it's harder to believe. I really wish I could understand and fully believe it wasn't my fault, but I don't know what will make me truly believe it.
I know God loves me. I know He's hurting with me. I know that. But, do I believe it? Not totally. I should not say that, or at all question that, but I do. It's really hard not to. After reading Isaiah 43:1-3, I feel a little better, and I can feel God. But I still have one conflict that I'm battling with: why'd He let this happen? He gave everyone a gift, and it was taken from me. I was going to save myself for the right man. Now, I can't. It was really hard to sit and listen to Mike talk about this stuff, even though he was talking about sex as a choice. But, I wish I could still be pure. I wish I still had the gift to "open". I wish I wasn't scarred or hurt. I wish I could still trust men. I wish had everything back.
I know all this doesn't define me. Again, it's really hard to believe. To me, this is who I am. I am a cutter. I am an emotional wreck. I am unwanted. I am a ton of things. I have a hard time dealing with people leaving. I always will. I have a hard time with being adopted, especially because my dad intentionally left me. I always will. It's his fault I had to be given up. I have a hard time with releasing my feelings in a healthy way. I always will. I have a hard time believing that people care. I always will. I have a hard time with a lot of things, and always will. These things make up me. Maybe not define, but to me, it sure seems like they do. But, I know I should be defined as one thing, and one thing only, a child of God. Honestly though, I don't know how or what to do. Or if there's even anything I can do.
I know I shouldn't turn to this, but I do. I believe in this way. It distracts, it relieves, it helps. But, I'm told I should turn to the Lord instead. However, since I believe in this way, it's difficult to go to Him.
I know it's not the right way out of things, but I don't believe it completely. I'm so close, and so want to. It'll be a lot easier, for everyone. I won't have to deal with all this any longer. I can finally be done with it all. I can be at peace. But, she tells me otherwise. She says the only way I can be at peace is through Him.
I know so many things. People tell me over and over, but I'm battling with myself. And, I'm not winning. I should've, I wish, I am and always will. I know I should believe the things she says, and I'm trying, but it's extremely difficult. I guess it all comes down to me questioning why even though I shouldn't.
Saturday, February 14, 2009
Valentine's Day
On this Valentine's Day,
I don't have a special someone,
a person I gave me heart to.
But, I have friends who I've handed my trust, my life.
Today's a day to remind me
how much I love them,
how much I care about them.
Today's a day to remind me
how truly thankful I am for them,
for keeping me going.
Today's a day to remind me
how much I appreciate them
sticking by me no matter what.
Today's a day to remind me
how much they help even though the may not understand,
or how much they are trying to understand so they can help.
Everyday I love them.
Everday I care about them.
Everyday I appreciate them and am thankful.
But today's a day to remind me of exactly how much I do,
exactly how much they matter to me.
Sarah Sweigard, Anna Bona, Britti Johnson- I can't even begin to explain in words how much I love you guys. You are always there, even wayy into the night. I don't understand why you guys haven't left yet or haven't given up. When I ask, you say it's because you love me. It's hard to get those words through. It's hard to accept those words when the person who said them last ended up leaving or hurting me. I wish there were something I could do to show the amount of appreciation and love I have for you. But, nothing ever could. It's such a huge amount. I love you guys sooo much and I hope I never lose you.
I don't have a special someone,
a person I gave me heart to.
But, I have friends who I've handed my trust, my life.
Today's a day to remind me
how much I love them,
how much I care about them.
Today's a day to remind me
how truly thankful I am for them,
for keeping me going.
Today's a day to remind me
how much I appreciate them
sticking by me no matter what.
Today's a day to remind me
how much they help even though the may not understand,
or how much they are trying to understand so they can help.
Everyday I love them.
Everday I care about them.
Everyday I appreciate them and am thankful.
But today's a day to remind me of exactly how much I do,
exactly how much they matter to me.
Sarah Sweigard, Anna Bona, Britti Johnson- I can't even begin to explain in words how much I love you guys. You are always there, even wayy into the night. I don't understand why you guys haven't left yet or haven't given up. When I ask, you say it's because you love me. It's hard to get those words through. It's hard to accept those words when the person who said them last ended up leaving or hurting me. I wish there were something I could do to show the amount of appreciation and love I have for you. But, nothing ever could. It's such a huge amount. I love you guys sooo much and I hope I never lose you.
Sunday, February 8, 2009
disappointed, discouraged, ashamed, embarrassed, and low
I've never felt so disappointed, discouraged, ashamed, embarrassed, and low in my life. I practiced my solo a million times and nailed it each time. But, that was only at voice lessons.
The night before contest, I was starting to feel anxoius, excited, and nervous. My friend Mike encouraged me and I settled down a little. I went to bed, looking forward to ISSMA the next morning. I got up and didn't feel nervous at all. But, as I started getting ready and driving there, I was scared to death. There were little things that I was worried about in my song, and I tried singing it in the car on the way, but I forgot the words. It definitely made things nerve-wrecking. But, I called my friend Anna, who was getting ready for a track meet in Virginia, and she made me feel a lot better. I was standing outside my room waiting to go in. I was shaking I was so nervous. I turned around, and my best friend Monica had actually showed up to see me sing! That kind of relieved me, because she's one of the people who helps me focus before a meet. People from choir came up to me, gave me hugs, and wished me luck, and it made me feel a tad better, but not really, because it was more pressure. I went into my room, and got ready to sing. In the room with me was Monica, my dad, Pastor Ken and Beth, LJ, Nancy Gray, Kirsten, Cheryl, Kevin, Jef and Juanita, Shannon, and Hobbs. I looked at Juanita and nodded for her to start my song. I don't really remember much after that except that my voice cracked in the middle of the song and my breath support was terrible because nerves got the best of me. I turned around to look at Juanita after I sang. I was soo angry with how I did.
I totally bombed my solo. I let everyone down, especially Hobbs. I'm in trebs. I'm not supposed to suck like I did. I had so much pressure on me that I couldn't relax. And, I don't know Shannon, and I know she was just trying to be supportive, but she really made me more nervous. After I finished singing, everyone left the room and dispersed to other rooms where other choir people were singing. I stood outside my room with Monica and my dad. I heard Juanita yell for me. I looked over and saw my card. Before I could physically get it, I saw an S on it. Not a G. I had gotten a silver, a second. I started balling. I was so pissed and angry and ashamed and disappointed. I knew I could've done better. But, I didn't. The one time my solo counted, I butchered it. I couldn't believe it. I think I cried on Monica's shoulder for 15 minutes. I was so upset. I'm not supposed to be second best. Trebs are the people who are higher than other girls. I was ashamed. I still can't believe how I did yesterday. I called Anna crying. I told her I never want to sing again. She made me feel better some. But, I was still really angry. I was going to bring home a gold for her, but I let her down. I failed. She wasn't mad at me or disappointed with how I did, but I knew I could've done better for her. I wanted that gold more than anything. People keep saying not to beat myself up over this. But, my voice is the only thing I have going for me. It's the one thing I'm good at. I knew I couldn't done better, but I blew it. And I'll never let myself down for it.
The night before contest, I was starting to feel anxoius, excited, and nervous. My friend Mike encouraged me and I settled down a little. I went to bed, looking forward to ISSMA the next morning. I got up and didn't feel nervous at all. But, as I started getting ready and driving there, I was scared to death. There were little things that I was worried about in my song, and I tried singing it in the car on the way, but I forgot the words. It definitely made things nerve-wrecking. But, I called my friend Anna, who was getting ready for a track meet in Virginia, and she made me feel a lot better. I was standing outside my room waiting to go in. I was shaking I was so nervous. I turned around, and my best friend Monica had actually showed up to see me sing! That kind of relieved me, because she's one of the people who helps me focus before a meet. People from choir came up to me, gave me hugs, and wished me luck, and it made me feel a tad better, but not really, because it was more pressure. I went into my room, and got ready to sing. In the room with me was Monica, my dad, Pastor Ken and Beth, LJ, Nancy Gray, Kirsten, Cheryl, Kevin, Jef and Juanita, Shannon, and Hobbs. I looked at Juanita and nodded for her to start my song. I don't really remember much after that except that my voice cracked in the middle of the song and my breath support was terrible because nerves got the best of me. I turned around to look at Juanita after I sang. I was soo angry with how I did.
I totally bombed my solo. I let everyone down, especially Hobbs. I'm in trebs. I'm not supposed to suck like I did. I had so much pressure on me that I couldn't relax. And, I don't know Shannon, and I know she was just trying to be supportive, but she really made me more nervous. After I finished singing, everyone left the room and dispersed to other rooms where other choir people were singing. I stood outside my room with Monica and my dad. I heard Juanita yell for me. I looked over and saw my card. Before I could physically get it, I saw an S on it. Not a G. I had gotten a silver, a second. I started balling. I was so pissed and angry and ashamed and disappointed. I knew I could've done better. But, I didn't. The one time my solo counted, I butchered it. I couldn't believe it. I think I cried on Monica's shoulder for 15 minutes. I was so upset. I'm not supposed to be second best. Trebs are the people who are higher than other girls. I was ashamed. I still can't believe how I did yesterday. I called Anna crying. I told her I never want to sing again. She made me feel better some. But, I was still really angry. I was going to bring home a gold for her, but I let her down. I failed. She wasn't mad at me or disappointed with how I did, but I knew I could've done better for her. I wanted that gold more than anything. People keep saying not to beat myself up over this. But, my voice is the only thing I have going for me. It's the one thing I'm good at. I knew I couldn't done better, but I blew it. And I'll never let myself down for it.
Saturday, February 7, 2009
Losing
i was lost, a mess, a disaster.
i had nowhere to go,
no one to trust,
all because no one understood.
i was alone
and afraid i would be forever,
but one day that all changed.
i felt like i finally had someone who understood me.
it was a relief,
a comfort,
a weight lifted.
finally somone wouldn't judge.
finally someone wouldn't lecture.
finally, a person who i could talk to
and who'd understand, not just nod.
it meant the world to me,
meant life to me.
someone who i could go to when i wanted life to end.
that one person who i've been needing as an outlet.
i feel like i've lost you, though.
i feel like i no longer matter to you,
if i ever did before.
i feel like im a pain and you don't want me around.
and it hurts more than anything.
knowing that the one person who understands
doesnt want me,
doesnt acknowledge me,
doesnt care.
i was finally starting to feel alive again,
feel worth something again,
but that all got ripped away.
i was afraid to let you in.
i was scared to death to even let myself admit and talk.
but, fearfully, i did.
i wish you would see.
i wish you could notice.
i wish more than anything you'd see how much you mean to me.
but, i cant help myself but back away now.
i want you in my life,
i want you to be here,
but im terrified of getting hurt more.
you do mean a lot to me,
but i cant allow myself to go any further.
i cant get hurt again,
i cant be let down again,
i cant.
i had nowhere to go,
no one to trust,
all because no one understood.
i was alone
and afraid i would be forever,
but one day that all changed.
i felt like i finally had someone who understood me.
it was a relief,
a comfort,
a weight lifted.
finally somone wouldn't judge.
finally someone wouldn't lecture.
finally, a person who i could talk to
and who'd understand, not just nod.
it meant the world to me,
meant life to me.
someone who i could go to when i wanted life to end.
that one person who i've been needing as an outlet.
i feel like i've lost you, though.
i feel like i no longer matter to you,
if i ever did before.
i feel like im a pain and you don't want me around.
and it hurts more than anything.
knowing that the one person who understands
doesnt want me,
doesnt acknowledge me,
doesnt care.
i was finally starting to feel alive again,
feel worth something again,
but that all got ripped away.
i was afraid to let you in.
i was scared to death to even let myself admit and talk.
but, fearfully, i did.
i wish you would see.
i wish you could notice.
i wish more than anything you'd see how much you mean to me.
but, i cant help myself but back away now.
i want you in my life,
i want you to be here,
but im terrified of getting hurt more.
you do mean a lot to me,
but i cant allow myself to go any further.
i cant get hurt again,
i cant be let down again,
i cant.
Friday, February 6, 2009
Deep Inside
I get overwhelmed,
feel hurt, alone,
and worthless.
I shut myself away,
pull out my blades,
and react.
My thoughts freeze,
my hand has a mind of its own.
I watch as my skin parts,
leaving a bright red path behind.
I watch the blood trickle down my arm,
watch as my problems drain away.
I feel that sting, that pain,
that feeling that distracts me.
I feel it all, and I do more.
One after another, I feel better.
It's my release, my outlet,
the one thing I have control of.
Everything else aside,
nothing matters.
I feel better, feel relieved,
feel free.
I clean up, wash away the stains,
and return to everything that was going on,
everyone who doesn't understand.
My world stopped, yet everything continued.
Makes me wonder.
If it can go on for a few minutes without me,
it can go on forever without me.
But, I return anyways, knowing I have to.
I feel guilty.
I feel ashamed.
Yet, it's what I do.
It's my comfort,
it's my one stability.
It won't go away like people do.
It won't fail to relieve me.
It's my comfort,
my relief,
it's me.
feel hurt, alone,
and worthless.
I shut myself away,
pull out my blades,
and react.
My thoughts freeze,
my hand has a mind of its own.
I watch as my skin parts,
leaving a bright red path behind.
I watch the blood trickle down my arm,
watch as my problems drain away.
I feel that sting, that pain,
that feeling that distracts me.
I feel it all, and I do more.
One after another, I feel better.
It's my release, my outlet,
the one thing I have control of.
Everything else aside,
nothing matters.
I feel better, feel relieved,
feel free.
I clean up, wash away the stains,
and return to everything that was going on,
everyone who doesn't understand.
My world stopped, yet everything continued.
Makes me wonder.
If it can go on for a few minutes without me,
it can go on forever without me.
But, I return anyways, knowing I have to.
I feel guilty.
I feel ashamed.
Yet, it's what I do.
It's my comfort,
it's my one stability.
It won't go away like people do.
It won't fail to relieve me.
It's my comfort,
my relief,
it's me.
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Why Am I Alive?
Everyday I wonder what the point of me being here is. Nobody cares about me, and nobody would even notice if I were gone. Why am i here? Today, I figured out music is the thing keeping me here. It can't hurt me, it relaxes me and eases pain, it's always here, I don't have to trust it or pretend I trust it. It's the perfect companion, and I love it.
I downloaded songs from choir that I have to learn for the gospel concert that's in a little more than a week. Two of the songs I play over and over. My God is a Rock and Praise His Holy Name. I love them. But, I don't know if I play them constantly because I love them or because they're battle cries.
I hate to admit it, but I'm really lost. I've taken a million wrong turns, and I'm screwed. I feel so far away from where I was and where I should be. And, it doesn't help that I'm stuck behind a gigantic bushel of thorn bushes holding me back from God. I know God's with me. I can't necessarily feel Him, but I kind of do. It's like having a friend right next to you, but just not acknowledging that they're there. I know He's here, but right now, I'm caught up in everything that I'm not giving Him any of my time or attention. And, I know that's a really terrible thing.
I've learned, though, that God has a reason for why I do this. It's to finally get help and be released from all my pain. I'm kind of looking forward to counseling. It was freeing to talk to Mrs. Ochman. I knew I could talk and not be judged. I wish I didn't have to go to anyone else. I wish I could have her as my counselor. I'm comfortable with her. Which makes me a little nervous for counseling, too. My mom doesn't understand how I want a young person, a girl. I found this place where I think I'd do really well at because it's students from a college who counsel. But, they don't take insurance. Without insurance, it's $60 a session. She said it's too expensive. Compared to the lady I went to before, it's almost $100 cheaper. I really want to go to this place. I offered to pay for it myself. But, she refused. I was extremely frustrated because she doesn't understand. She thinks she does, but she doesn't. She thinks she can find the right place, but she can't. I feel like she thinks this is all a phase. Like in a few days I won't want to get help, and she doesn't have to spend money. And, that hurts. Everything to her is a phase. Growing up she'd always say "you'll get over it" or "you'll be fine". That definitely showed her lack of interest and care for me. It's just all frustrating. She's frustrating! I do wish she would understand, but she can't. No matter how much she thinks she does, she can never.
Back to help, I know where I want to go. And, it doesn't include christian counseling or some old person who thinks the know what I'm going through. I don't want to go to some christian counselor. They're just going to lecture about how much I'm hurting God and giving into the devil. The first time someone told me all that, I was okay with hearing it because I hadn't heard it before. But, when people reiterate what my friend said to me, it gets annoying. I know all that stuff. I do. But, honestly, it makes me feel worse when people say it over and over because it makes me feel like I'm not good enough of a Christian. I want to go somewhere where I won't get lectured at about how I'm hurting God or how cutting is wrong. Seriously, I would pay for myself to go to Purdue Cal for counseling.
I can't get past the feelings that people are giving up on me, leaving me, though they said they wouldn't. I hate letting myself get close to people because I know they're going to leave. It's like being abandoned all over, as if being abandoned by my birth parents wasn't enough. I don't need more people to leave me. I feel like I'm going to be alone the rest of my life because they're going to leave or I'm going to be too afraid to let people in.
I downloaded songs from choir that I have to learn for the gospel concert that's in a little more than a week. Two of the songs I play over and over. My God is a Rock and Praise His Holy Name. I love them. But, I don't know if I play them constantly because I love them or because they're battle cries.
I hate to admit it, but I'm really lost. I've taken a million wrong turns, and I'm screwed. I feel so far away from where I was and where I should be. And, it doesn't help that I'm stuck behind a gigantic bushel of thorn bushes holding me back from God. I know God's with me. I can't necessarily feel Him, but I kind of do. It's like having a friend right next to you, but just not acknowledging that they're there. I know He's here, but right now, I'm caught up in everything that I'm not giving Him any of my time or attention. And, I know that's a really terrible thing.
I've learned, though, that God has a reason for why I do this. It's to finally get help and be released from all my pain. I'm kind of looking forward to counseling. It was freeing to talk to Mrs. Ochman. I knew I could talk and not be judged. I wish I didn't have to go to anyone else. I wish I could have her as my counselor. I'm comfortable with her. Which makes me a little nervous for counseling, too. My mom doesn't understand how I want a young person, a girl. I found this place where I think I'd do really well at because it's students from a college who counsel. But, they don't take insurance. Without insurance, it's $60 a session. She said it's too expensive. Compared to the lady I went to before, it's almost $100 cheaper. I really want to go to this place. I offered to pay for it myself. But, she refused. I was extremely frustrated because she doesn't understand. She thinks she does, but she doesn't. She thinks she can find the right place, but she can't. I feel like she thinks this is all a phase. Like in a few days I won't want to get help, and she doesn't have to spend money. And, that hurts. Everything to her is a phase. Growing up she'd always say "you'll get over it" or "you'll be fine". That definitely showed her lack of interest and care for me. It's just all frustrating. She's frustrating! I do wish she would understand, but she can't. No matter how much she thinks she does, she can never.
Back to help, I know where I want to go. And, it doesn't include christian counseling or some old person who thinks the know what I'm going through. I don't want to go to some christian counselor. They're just going to lecture about how much I'm hurting God and giving into the devil. The first time someone told me all that, I was okay with hearing it because I hadn't heard it before. But, when people reiterate what my friend said to me, it gets annoying. I know all that stuff. I do. But, honestly, it makes me feel worse when people say it over and over because it makes me feel like I'm not good enough of a Christian. I want to go somewhere where I won't get lectured at about how I'm hurting God or how cutting is wrong. Seriously, I would pay for myself to go to Purdue Cal for counseling.
I can't get past the feelings that people are giving up on me, leaving me, though they said they wouldn't. I hate letting myself get close to people because I know they're going to leave. It's like being abandoned all over, as if being abandoned by my birth parents wasn't enough. I don't need more people to leave me. I feel like I'm going to be alone the rest of my life because they're going to leave or I'm going to be too afraid to let people in.
Friday, January 30, 2009
Pains Me To Lose You
I knew from the beginning I had made a mistake letting people come close to me. I let a few people in on a huge secret, and now, I feel like everyone is leaving me. I feel alone and on my own, like no one cares anymore. I felt withdrawn from the world because of my problems, but I knew I had a few people there with me. Now, I don't feel them. I just feel overwhelmed with everything. I have nobody to lean on or talk to. It feels as though everyone I've come to love and trust and need in the past few months are gone. It's scary, and it hurts. What got me to the place I'm at now is keeping things to myself. I've tried opening up, but in the end, it just hurts me more. So, I'm chosing to close myself off to avoid getting hurt again.
I let you come close
though I feared it and knew I'd get hurt.
I let myself tell you everything and confide in you,
but in the end, you left me.
I thought you cared,
thought you were finally
one to understand,
but it pains me to think & feel that I'm losing you.
What did I do?
Where did I go wrong?
Why am I losing people I so deeply care about?
I dont understand and it hurts.
So for now, I'm closing myself off,
until I know and feel for sure you're here,
and here to stay.
I let you come close
though I feared it and knew I'd get hurt.
I let myself tell you everything and confide in you,
but in the end, you left me.
I thought you cared,
thought you were finally
one to understand,
but it pains me to think & feel that I'm losing you.
What did I do?
Where did I go wrong?
Why am I losing people I so deeply care about?
I dont understand and it hurts.
So for now, I'm closing myself off,
until I know and feel for sure you're here,
and here to stay.
Thursday, January 15, 2009
A snow day, but one of realization
Earlier today, I was listening to Jesus Paid It All by Kristian Stanfill. I always listen to this song, like a thousand times a day when doing homework or talking to people online or just when doing whatever because it's in my favorites play list. So it wasn't out of the norm that I heard it while I was online. But, for some reason when it played, I paid attention to the words. The chorus and the bridge definitely got to me.
Jesus Paid It All
All To Him I Owe
Sin Had Left a Crimson Stain
He Washed It White As Snow
O Praise the One Who Paid My Debt
And Raised This Life Up From the Dead
Since Sunday, I've had a million and one things on my mind. My relationship with Christ, soul phish and the problems its having (and being the most experienced singer, the one who's been in it the longest, its quite upsetting and frustrating when what you're leading is all going wrong), debating getting help, making sure I don't hurt or upset anybody when I get too overwhelmed, holding up relationships with my friends while I struggle with myself, work, studying for finals, and the dream I had the other night replaying over and over in my head. It's a heck of a lot, especially for me. Usually when I get overwhelmed, I add a few more to my arm.
But, I was listening to that song, and something clicked in my head. I put two and two together. There have been three people who have been saying the same thing over and over again to me. But, I never felt anything, though I should have. This song definitely made me fell ashamed, convicted, and guilty of what I'm doing. Jesus died for me. Me. The person who constantly feels worthless and not good enough. And, I'm cutting myself. This is how I'm repaying Him? By hurting Him? He gave His life for me, and I'm doing this. I mean, if I gave my life for someone who I didn't know face to face, and they did this to themselves, I'd be hurt and angry and thinking why 'd I give my life if they're just going to do that.
In the end, I realized I do need the help people want me to get. I need it for my sake, my friends' sake, and the sake of my relationship with Christ. I'm still scared to death, but who knows, maybe I'll finally be able to be happy.
Jesus Paid It All
All To Him I Owe
Sin Had Left a Crimson Stain
He Washed It White As Snow
O Praise the One Who Paid My Debt
And Raised This Life Up From the Dead
Since Sunday, I've had a million and one things on my mind. My relationship with Christ, soul phish and the problems its having (and being the most experienced singer, the one who's been in it the longest, its quite upsetting and frustrating when what you're leading is all going wrong), debating getting help, making sure I don't hurt or upset anybody when I get too overwhelmed, holding up relationships with my friends while I struggle with myself, work, studying for finals, and the dream I had the other night replaying over and over in my head. It's a heck of a lot, especially for me. Usually when I get overwhelmed, I add a few more to my arm.
But, I was listening to that song, and something clicked in my head. I put two and two together. There have been three people who have been saying the same thing over and over again to me. But, I never felt anything, though I should have. This song definitely made me fell ashamed, convicted, and guilty of what I'm doing. Jesus died for me. Me. The person who constantly feels worthless and not good enough. And, I'm cutting myself. This is how I'm repaying Him? By hurting Him? He gave His life for me, and I'm doing this. I mean, if I gave my life for someone who I didn't know face to face, and they did this to themselves, I'd be hurt and angry and thinking why 'd I give my life if they're just going to do that.
In the end, I realized I do need the help people want me to get. I need it for my sake, my friends' sake, and the sake of my relationship with Christ. I'm still scared to death, but who knows, maybe I'll finally be able to be happy.
Saturday, January 10, 2009
Taking My Mask Off
I've never felt so much of a person as I do now. Just realizing who I can always talk to, who I need, and who I trust has made me feel like I exist. There's not a day where I don't thank God for the people He has blessed me with, especially the two girls who I so fearfully accepted into my life. They know me. I don't hide anything from them, and because of that, I can be my whole self around them. I can take off that mask I wear at school and church and home and everywhere else. They make me feel comfortable, and it's a total relief to finally have a few certain people I can just be myself around.
It's short and sweet and to the point. These two girls, Nicole Brassea and Britti Johnson, have made a HUGE impact in my life and have changed my outlook. I love them with all my heart, and I don't know where I'd be without them.
It's short and sweet and to the point. These two girls, Nicole Brassea and Britti Johnson, have made a HUGE impact in my life and have changed my outlook. I love them with all my heart, and I don't know where I'd be without them.
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