Why Am I Alive?

Everyday I wonder what the point of me being here is. Nobody cares about me, and nobody would even notice if I were gone. Why am i here? Today, I figured out music is the thing keeping me here. It can't hurt me, it relaxes me and eases pain, it's always here, I don't have to trust it or pretend I trust it. It's the perfect companion, and I love it.

I downloaded songs from choir that I have to learn for the gospel concert that's in a little more than a week. Two of the songs I play over and over. My God is a Rock and Praise His Holy Name. I love them. But, I don't know if I play them constantly because I love them or because they're battle cries.

I hate to admit it, but I'm really lost. I've taken a million wrong turns, and I'm screwed. I feel so far away from where I was and where I should be. And, it doesn't help that I'm stuck behind a gigantic bushel of thorn bushes holding me back from God. I know God's with me. I can't necessarily feel Him, but I kind of do. It's like having a friend right next to you, but just not acknowledging that they're there. I know He's here, but right now, I'm caught up in everything that I'm not giving Him any of my time or attention. And, I know that's a really terrible thing.

I've learned, though, that God has a reason for why I do this. It's to finally get help and be released from all my pain. I'm kind of looking forward to counseling. It was freeing to talk to Mrs. Ochman. I knew I could talk and not be judged. I wish I didn't have to go to anyone else. I wish I could have her as my counselor. I'm comfortable with her. Which makes me a little nervous for counseling, too. My mom doesn't understand how I want a young person, a girl. I found this place where I think I'd do really well at because it's students from a college who counsel. But, they don't take insurance. Without insurance, it's $60 a session. She said it's too expensive. Compared to the lady I went to before, it's almost $100 cheaper. I really want to go to this place. I offered to pay for it myself. But, she refused. I was extremely frustrated because she doesn't understand. She thinks she does, but she doesn't. She thinks she can find the right place, but she can't. I feel like she thinks this is all a phase. Like in a few days I won't want to get help, and she doesn't have to spend money. And, that hurts. Everything to her is a phase. Growing up she'd always say "you'll get over it" or "you'll be fine". That definitely showed her lack of interest and care for me. It's just all frustrating. She's frustrating! I do wish she would understand, but she can't. No matter how much she thinks she does, she can never.

Back to help, I know where I want to go. And, it doesn't include christian counseling or some old person who thinks the know what I'm going through. I don't want to go to some christian counselor. They're just going to lecture about how much I'm hurting God and giving into the devil. The first time someone told me all that, I was okay with hearing it because I hadn't heard it before. But, when people reiterate what my friend said to me, it gets annoying. I know all that stuff. I do. But, honestly, it makes me feel worse when people say it over and over because it makes me feel like I'm not good enough of a Christian. I want to go somewhere where I won't get lectured at about how I'm hurting God or how cutting is wrong. Seriously, I would pay for myself to go to Purdue Cal for counseling.

I can't get past the feelings that people are giving up on me, leaving me, though they said they wouldn't. I hate letting myself get close to people because I know they're going to leave. It's like being abandoned all over, as if being abandoned by my birth parents wasn't enough. I don't need more people to leave me. I feel like I'm going to be alone the rest of my life because they're going to leave or I'm going to be too afraid to let people in.