Losing

i was lost, a mess, a disaster.
i had nowhere to go,
no one to trust,
all because no one understood.
i was alone
and afraid i would be forever,
but one day that all changed.
i felt like i finally had someone who understood me.
it was a relief,
a comfort,
a weight lifted.
finally somone wouldn't judge.
finally someone wouldn't lecture.
finally, a person who i could talk to
and who'd understand, not just nod.
it meant the world to me,
meant life to me.
someone who i could go to when i wanted life to end.
that one person who i've been needing as an outlet.
i feel like i've lost you, though.
i feel like i no longer matter to you,
if i ever did before.
i feel like im a pain and you don't want me around.
and it hurts more than anything.
knowing that the one person who understands
doesnt want me,
doesnt acknowledge me,
doesnt care.
i was finally starting to feel alive again,
feel worth something again,
but that all got ripped away.
i was afraid to let you in.
i was scared to death to even let myself admit and talk.
but, fearfully, i did.
i wish you would see.
i wish you could notice.
i wish more than anything you'd see how much you mean to me.
but, i cant help myself but back away now.
i want you in my life,
i want you to be here,
but im terrified of getting hurt more.
you do mean a lot to me,
but i cant allow myself to go any further.
i cant get hurt again,
i cant be let down again,
i cant.