Fearfully Trusting

I don't want this break to end. I've learned who's there and who isn't, who I truly trust and who I don't, and who I need and who I can go without.

Lately, I've been struggling with my past and my present. They're becoming intertwined, things from my past are getting mixed up in my present. My repressed thoughts are surfacing. I'm realizing them, but I don't feel anything when I they come up. I have the feelings later, but they aren't associated with the memories.

Growing up, I was somewhat neglected and definitely ripped of the love and nurturing every child should get from their parents. As a result, I'm afraid to allow people to get close to me in fear they're eventually going to hurt me. It seems to happen 98% of the time. But there are two people who I have fearfully taken into my life during this break. Brittany Johnson and Nicole Brassea are the two, the only two, who I truly truly trust, love, and need. They are the only ones who I don't hide things from. They understand me, they love me, they help me, they won't give up on me, they're becoming my best friends. They give me what nobody else does. I have never trusted someone as much as I trust them. I tell them everything, whether I'm ashamed of it or not. They can make me feel a million times better when every thing's going wrong. Brittany let's me call her at 2 in the morning crying and doesn't care if I wake her up. Nicole calls me at midnight seeing if every thing's okay and if I need to talk things out. They go out of their way for me. These two girls keep me going every day. I never thought I'd find someone who understands me or someone who loves me despite everything or someone who I don't have to hide things from, but I finally have found two amazing people, two amazing friends, that I can be my whole self around. And I thank God every day and every night and every moment I'm with them, for placing them in my life.

Drowning In My Past

Things are not bad at all. Life's great with the exception of the death of my friend's mom. But other than that, everything is amazing! I can't complain with the way life's going. But me, myself, is not great. My mind set hasn't changed.I accepted Christ, and I was truly changed. I felt it in the way I acted and the things I thought. But, why am I thinking this way again? I feel the closest to God now more than any other time in my life. But, I have those thoughts. I don't feel far from Him, or like I'm straying, at all. I'm just drowning in my past. I can see God all around me, but there's a cloud of my past surrounding me that I can't get away from. I'm just not sure what to do. I'm not lost, but I'm stuck.

And on top of trying to figure out what the heck is going on, I finally got to see my brother today. But, it sucked. He's a totally different person. It seemed as though he didn't love me anymore, and didn't care at all about me. It hurt a ton. I can't even describe it. I was sitting right behind him trying to hold back tears. But, he didn't even acknowledge I was there.

Real quick before I go to bed:

When I gave my presentation on my mask, I cried. I can't believe I did.

I MADE CONCERT CHOIR AS A SOPHMORE!!! Hobbs chose me and 3 other girls to be in it. As a sophmore making it, I'm soo excited! Only juniors and seniors make it! (: I'm pretty stoked to be in it a year early! WOOHOOO!

That's it. Off to bed now. I have school in the morning.

Psych Mask: Portraying Myself

In Psych, we have to paint masks portraying ourselves, not our likes and dislikes, but ourselves. It took me literally 3-4 weeks to come up with my ideas of how I was going to do my mask. But, man, doing this brings up a lot of feelings that I always push aside. On the inside of my mask, I have it painted yellow for the happiness I do have, but it's not true happiness. Then, I have a portion of it black representing the feelings of rejection and abandonment I feel from both sets of parents. I have a dotted line from that black spot to an "X marks the spot" for my long journey to true happiness. People say I have a big heart, so I drew a big heart on the right side of it. Most of it's red, standing for my love and compassion for others and how I always put them first. There's a very small portion that's pink which represents the love for myself. Then above the heart, there is a an area that has a bunch of colors standing for different feelings, like anger, hurt, sorrow. That represents how I bottle everything up. Thinking up the inside really stirred my emotions. All those things I tried to push aside came back. Thinking about the abandonment and rejection, thinking about how angry I am with myself and how I hate myself. It's all quite overwhelming.
The front was just kind of something I thought of. Different people see different sides of me. So, the front of my mask has 9 different colors representing the different groups of people who see a different side of me. But, in the middle, right down the center, there's a bold stripe. The stripe stands for the small amount of people who see the "real" me. But, it also represents the wall I put up to protect myself from getting hurt by anyone else like I have in the past.
This project really made me reflect. And taking about disorders in class was a little uncomfortable. To think I have a disorder. I don't like to think that way. I like to think it's a state I'm in. But, many things say otherwise. Mr. Holden said that 30 years ago, seeing a "shrink" wasn't normal. People would think you were insane or extremely sick. But, nowadays, it's okay. People realize they have a problem and what to try to overcome it as much as they can so they can live with happiness in their lives.
I have a disorder, and I want to be happy.

First Performance

Today was my first trebs performance. We went to St. Anthony's Hospital in Crown Point. I didn't think I'd be back so soon. I used to go a ton because of my heart. Anyhoo, although it was amazing and I LOVED it, it was a little nerve wracking. Surprisingly, I really like to wear dresses and do my hair even though I'm a tomboy. But, we sang for the elderly, and it brought me joy to see them smile and sing the songs to themselves. Then, we got to do a "meet and greet" where we go out and shake hands with them while we sing a song. It was just nice to see them smile and get so excited to have us there. It melted my heart. Today was fun, and it felt right. Many things never feel right, but today did. I felt like I was in the right place at the right time of my life. It was a reminder I'm doing what I need to be doing and I'm where I'm supposed to be. If I could do today over and over, I definitely would. It was a wonderful experience. But, I still have 7 performances, so I'll have more chances to do it all again. (:

9 DAYSSSSS!!!!!! (: (:

Accomplishing Goals

Since God told me what I can do for the kids who need sponsors, I made a list of three goals.

1) Write a note on facebook telling people about Compassion, everything about it, and how it has affected my life.

2) Send an e-mail to Danny and ask if he could tell his youth group about it and see if any kids want to sponsor a child.

3) Bring it to the congregation and other churches.

So far, I've completed two of those three goals. Well, I did #2, but I'm just waiting to see what he says about it, and #1 is done. #3 is a biggy. It's going to be the hardest to do. I'm actually a little nervous and apprehensive about it. I've never done something of this sort before. Iknow it's going to take some time organizing everything and probably by then I'll be more comfortable about it, but there's one person who I need a ton right now, for support. Unfortunately, I never see her. And, I'm not sure when I will.

I have to do this though. I can't "press the ignore button" on God or "hang up". I owe Him the whole thing. I have to accomplish all three goals, not just two of them.

Also, this is something I need to do on my own. Yes, I need some one's support, but I need only her's, no one else's.

Hits home

I was on my way to school when I heard a song that really punched me in the gut. It brought back feelings and memories of the awful times in my life. But, in a way, it was comforting because everything I did relieved pain and made me feel a ton better. I hear this song, and it brings back that same relief. This song talks about stuff I'm used to, stuff I can definitely relate to.


No one sits with him, he doesn’t fit in,
But we feel like we do when we make fun of him,
'Cause you want to belong, do you go along?
'Cause his pain is the price paid for you to belong
It’s not like you hate him or want him to die,
But maybe he goes home and thinks suicide,
Or he comes back to school with a gun at his side,
Any kindness from you might have saved his life...


Heroes are made when you make a choice...


You could be a hero,
Heroes do what’s right,
You could be a hero,
You might save a life,
You could be a hero, you could join the fight,
For what’s right, for what’s right, for what’s right...


No one talks to her, she feels so alone,
She’s in too much pain to survive on her own,
The hurt she can’t handle overflows to a knife,
She writes on her arm, wants to give up her life,
Each day she goes on is a day that she is brave,
Fighting the lie that giving up is the way,
Each moment of courage her own life she saves,
When she throws the pills out, a hero is made...


No one talks to him about how he lives,
He thinks that the choices he makes are just his,
Doesn’t know he’s a leader with the way he behaves,
And others will follow the choices he’s made,
He lives on the edge, he’s old enough to decide,
His brother who wants to be him is just nine,
He can do what he wants because it’s his right,
The choices he makes change a nine-year-old's life...


Little Mikey-Dee was the one in class
Who everyday got brutally harassed
This went on for years
Till he decided that never again would he shed another tear
So he walked through the door
And grabbed the .44 out of his father's dresser drawer
He said 'I can't take life no more'
And like that a life can be lost
But this ain't even about that
All of us just sat back and watched it happen
Thinking its not our responsibility
To solve a problem that isn't even about me
This is our problem.
This is just one of the daily scenarios
In which we choose to close our eyes
Instead of doing the right thing
If we make a choice and be the voice
For those who won't speak up for themselves
How many lives would be saved, changed, rearranged?
Now it's our time to pick a side.
So don't keep walking by not wanting to intervene,
Cause you just want to exist and never be seen.
So lets wake up, change the world
Our time is now.

~Hero, Superchick