Epiphany

Last night, I went to the Maunday Thursday service at church. I mainly went because I really had no desire to go to counseling even though this past week was extremely hard, and it probably would've helped. But, church had more in store for my than I had originally thought.

When Mike started the service, Sarah leaned over to me and said she was going to miss Mike and that he was the only youth pastor we have had that actually cared about each and every one of us. Her saying that brought me back to the moment feelings I had the moment my parents told me. On a side note: I don't know why, but this has finally made me cry. Since December, I've been fighting back tears because crying is weakness. It was never okay to me. Back to what I was saying: when Sarah said that to me, I started crying. I really don't want to believe it. But, I know I have to because it's going to happen. Later on, it was time for communion, even though I never do it for a reason. Communion last night was different. Instead of Mike and Pastor Ken serving us, everyone got into a circle around the sanctuary and served the person next to them. When they finished serving, they held hands. It was....touching, I guess you could say. It made me realize how much love there is in our church even though we are divided by our ages. I could physically see the love of our church. It made me cry. It was just awesome and to see everyone, Christians, come together. It was really cool. When everyone went back to their pews, I texted my best friend Anna. I said "you know I love you, right"? She answered back, "yes I do. thats why youre gonna quit cutting (: i love you too". Because of the realizations I made at church, I responded "yes I will quit for you...and thats a promise I will keep". That made her so happy, and I loved it. I love making her proud and happy.

This past week has been extremely hard, and I kept telling Anna that I need to cut, I need it. But, the service made me realize and feel I have to stop for her. It gave me the drive to get better. I have to. There's not much more to it. I have to try, and I will eventually quit for her.

I realized the love of my church. I finally saw and felt the love Anna has for me, and I realized, for Anna, I have to stop cutting.

I will stop.... I promised Anna I would, and I will.

Not Fair

I never miss school. Ever. I've missed two days in the past 5 years. But today I couldn't handle it anymore. I couldn't sit through 6 hours of school, 2 hours of practice, and 4 hours of work while fighting back tears. I just couldn't.

I wrote before that I so fearfully allowed three people to come into my life. Now, I wonder why. Why was I so stupid? I knew it all would end the same. Why did I let myself believe this case would be any different? I've been hurt by so many people, I should've known. I should've known better than to let anyone get close to me. I should've known better than to open up. I should've known better than to trust. I should've known!!!!! It happens every time! I continually set myself up thinking maybe this is the one person I can trust, but they just end up leaving. I've had it with that! I've had it with everything! The feelings, the thoughts, the hurt! From now on, no one is going to get close to me. I'm not going to let them. I'm not going to let myself open up. I can't allow myself to get hurt. I'm protecting myself. And, I can't allow my friendship with someone move any further. Actually, it's better to drop it completely than let it stay where it's at. It's just going to be a daily reminder of the hurt.

I've had it with people leaving. I'm so tired and exhausted and I can't take it anymore.