Last night, I went to the Maunday Thursday service at church. I mainly went because I really had no desire to go to counseling even though this past week was extremely hard, and it probably would've helped. But, church had more in store for my than I had originally thought.
When Mike started the service, Sarah leaned over to me and said she was going to miss Mike and that he was the only youth pastor we have had that actually cared about each and every one of us. Her saying that brought me back to the moment feelings I had the moment my parents told me. On a side note: I don't know why, but this has finally made me cry. Since December, I've been fighting back tears because crying is weakness. It was never okay to me. Back to what I was saying: when Sarah said that to me, I started crying. I really don't want to believe it. But, I know I have to because it's going to happen. Later on, it was time for communion, even though I never do it for a reason. Communion last night was different. Instead of Mike and Pastor Ken serving us, everyone got into a circle around the sanctuary and served the person next to them. When they finished serving, they held hands. It was....touching, I guess you could say. It made me realize how much love there is in our church even though we are divided by our ages. I could physically see the love of our church. It made me cry. It was just awesome and to see everyone, Christians, come together. It was really cool. When everyone went back to their pews, I texted my best friend Anna. I said "you know I love you, right"? She answered back, "yes I do. thats why youre gonna quit cutting (: i love you too". Because of the realizations I made at church, I responded "yes I will quit for you...and thats a promise I will keep". That made her so happy, and I loved it. I love making her proud and happy.
This past week has been extremely hard, and I kept telling Anna that I need to cut, I need it. But, the service made me realize and feel I have to stop for her. It gave me the drive to get better. I have to. There's not much more to it. I have to try, and I will eventually quit for her.
I realized the love of my church. I finally saw and felt the love Anna has for me, and I realized, for Anna, I have to stop cutting.
I will stop.... I promised Anna I would, and I will.
Friday, April 10, 2009
Monday, April 6, 2009
Not Fair
I never miss school. Ever. I've missed two days in the past 5 years. But today I couldn't handle it anymore. I couldn't sit through 6 hours of school, 2 hours of practice, and 4 hours of work while fighting back tears. I just couldn't.
I wrote before that I so fearfully allowed three people to come into my life. Now, I wonder why. Why was I so stupid? I knew it all would end the same. Why did I let myself believe this case would be any different? I've been hurt by so many people, I should've known. I should've known better than to let anyone get close to me. I should've known better than to open up. I should've known better than to trust. I should've known!!!!! It happens every time! I continually set myself up thinking maybe this is the one person I can trust, but they just end up leaving. I've had it with that! I've had it with everything! The feelings, the thoughts, the hurt! From now on, no one is going to get close to me. I'm not going to let them. I'm not going to let myself open up. I can't allow myself to get hurt. I'm protecting myself. And, I can't allow my friendship with someone move any further. Actually, it's better to drop it completely than let it stay where it's at. It's just going to be a daily reminder of the hurt.
I've had it with people leaving. I'm so tired and exhausted and I can't take it anymore.
I wrote before that I so fearfully allowed three people to come into my life. Now, I wonder why. Why was I so stupid? I knew it all would end the same. Why did I let myself believe this case would be any different? I've been hurt by so many people, I should've known. I should've known better than to let anyone get close to me. I should've known better than to open up. I should've known better than to trust. I should've known!!!!! It happens every time! I continually set myself up thinking maybe this is the one person I can trust, but they just end up leaving. I've had it with that! I've had it with everything! The feelings, the thoughts, the hurt! From now on, no one is going to get close to me. I'm not going to let them. I'm not going to let myself open up. I can't allow myself to get hurt. I'm protecting myself. And, I can't allow my friendship with someone move any further. Actually, it's better to drop it completely than let it stay where it's at. It's just going to be a daily reminder of the hurt.
I've had it with people leaving. I'm so tired and exhausted and I can't take it anymore.
Friday, March 27, 2009
Plain and Simple
I don't know what to do or say or think anymore. Everything has been stirred up, and its really hard to settle those feelings again. They won't leave my heart and my mind. My mind has never wandered this much. But, somehow my counselor sees me progressing and says I'm doing really well.
I just don't know.
I just don't know.
Saturday, March 14, 2009
This Way or That??
I'm frustrated and tired beyond belief. I know I decided earlier I was going to fight, but that was before I starting getting help. I'm on the fence with what to do. I want so badly to run one way, but I know I should go the other.
Why To Fight:
*I want to get better. I want all of this to end. I want to be normal. And, I know this is the only way to get that.
*At school, it was relieving to talk to Mrs. Ochman about how I was really feeling; feeling like I was worthless, feeling like I wasn't good enough, feeling like I was insignificant. I want to be able to talk more and get those feelings out, so I can get past them, and really start living.
* There are three people, who mean the world to me, who want to me go. I don't want to disappoint them or make them mad at me.
*Most important reason: God. He died for me. He never gave up when the world's sins where on Him. He wants to see me on the other end... at the finish line. I guess it's like a race: once you start you have to finish. You can't just stop in the middle or try to take different ways. You have to stick to the course... God's course, and push through the pain. Eventually, you'll make it to the end.
Why To Give Up:
*The biggest thing: I'm so exhausted and frustrated that I'm not getting anywhere. I've gone for a month now, and not even the slightest bit of change has occurred. Not even a little bit. I understand it's going to take time, but nothing has changed in the month I've gone. Why waste any more of my time with something that's not helping? Why open myself up to someone who's not helping? Why bother with any of it?
*I'm so used to it now, I can't see my life without it. It's my comfort, it's my relief. I'd be lost without it. I'm always going to be a cutter. It's who I am.
*Nobody else I know goes. Why should I? If it were normal, everyone would be going. I care a lot about what people think and going with what other people do, and this is not helping either of those. People find out I go, and life could get worse. Nobody else has a counselor, why should I?
I want so badly to give up. I want so badly to give in, and live like this forever. It sucks, but it's the easy thing to do.
My heart and mind both tell me the same thing: give up, but there's an external thought that puts me on the fence: I know it's bad, and I need help.
Why To Fight:
*I want to get better. I want all of this to end. I want to be normal. And, I know this is the only way to get that.
*At school, it was relieving to talk to Mrs. Ochman about how I was really feeling; feeling like I was worthless, feeling like I wasn't good enough, feeling like I was insignificant. I want to be able to talk more and get those feelings out, so I can get past them, and really start living.
* There are three people, who mean the world to me, who want to me go. I don't want to disappoint them or make them mad at me.
*Most important reason: God. He died for me. He never gave up when the world's sins where on Him. He wants to see me on the other end... at the finish line. I guess it's like a race: once you start you have to finish. You can't just stop in the middle or try to take different ways. You have to stick to the course... God's course, and push through the pain. Eventually, you'll make it to the end.
Why To Give Up:
*The biggest thing: I'm so exhausted and frustrated that I'm not getting anywhere. I've gone for a month now, and not even the slightest bit of change has occurred. Not even a little bit. I understand it's going to take time, but nothing has changed in the month I've gone. Why waste any more of my time with something that's not helping? Why open myself up to someone who's not helping? Why bother with any of it?
*I'm so used to it now, I can't see my life without it. It's my comfort, it's my relief. I'd be lost without it. I'm always going to be a cutter. It's who I am.
*Nobody else I know goes. Why should I? If it were normal, everyone would be going. I care a lot about what people think and going with what other people do, and this is not helping either of those. People find out I go, and life could get worse. Nobody else has a counselor, why should I?
I want so badly to give up. I want so badly to give in, and live like this forever. It sucks, but it's the easy thing to do.
My heart and mind both tell me the same thing: give up, but there's an external thought that puts me on the fence: I know it's bad, and I need help.
Monday, February 16, 2009
Battling with Believing
These past few days were a heck of a weekend. I've been fighting with what I believe and what I should and shouldn't believe, and it's exhausting.
I know it's not my fault, but the problem is, I only know it's not my fault. People have said it over and over to me. I don't believe it, though. There are so many things telling me I could've prevented it, both times. I should've stayed outside. I should've had a friend come with me. I should've known better, at 13, than to go back. I should've fought harder. I should've walked instead of got dropped off before she was home. I should've waited outside. I should've waited until after she got home to even leave my house. I should've seen it coming. There are so many should have's. But, people tell me it was out of my control. I admit the first time, I couldn't really do anything, sure. I didn't know what it was. The second time though, it's harder to believe. I really wish I could understand and fully believe it wasn't my fault, but I don't know what will make me truly believe it.
I know God loves me. I know He's hurting with me. I know that. But, do I believe it? Not totally. I should not say that, or at all question that, but I do. It's really hard not to. After reading Isaiah 43:1-3, I feel a little better, and I can feel God. But I still have one conflict that I'm battling with: why'd He let this happen? He gave everyone a gift, and it was taken from me. I was going to save myself for the right man. Now, I can't. It was really hard to sit and listen to Mike talk about this stuff, even though he was talking about sex as a choice. But, I wish I could still be pure. I wish I still had the gift to "open". I wish I wasn't scarred or hurt. I wish I could still trust men. I wish had everything back.
I know all this doesn't define me. Again, it's really hard to believe. To me, this is who I am. I am a cutter. I am an emotional wreck. I am unwanted. I am a ton of things. I have a hard time dealing with people leaving. I always will. I have a hard time with being adopted, especially because my dad intentionally left me. I always will. It's his fault I had to be given up. I have a hard time with releasing my feelings in a healthy way. I always will. I have a hard time believing that people care. I always will. I have a hard time with a lot of things, and always will. These things make up me. Maybe not define, but to me, it sure seems like they do. But, I know I should be defined as one thing, and one thing only, a child of God. Honestly though, I don't know how or what to do. Or if there's even anything I can do.
I know I shouldn't turn to this, but I do. I believe in this way. It distracts, it relieves, it helps. But, I'm told I should turn to the Lord instead. However, since I believe in this way, it's difficult to go to Him.
I know it's not the right way out of things, but I don't believe it completely. I'm so close, and so want to. It'll be a lot easier, for everyone. I won't have to deal with all this any longer. I can finally be done with it all. I can be at peace. But, she tells me otherwise. She says the only way I can be at peace is through Him.
I know so many things. People tell me over and over, but I'm battling with myself. And, I'm not winning. I should've, I wish, I am and always will. I know I should believe the things she says, and I'm trying, but it's extremely difficult. I guess it all comes down to me questioning why even though I shouldn't.
I know it's not my fault, but the problem is, I only know it's not my fault. People have said it over and over to me. I don't believe it, though. There are so many things telling me I could've prevented it, both times. I should've stayed outside. I should've had a friend come with me. I should've known better, at 13, than to go back. I should've fought harder. I should've walked instead of got dropped off before she was home. I should've waited outside. I should've waited until after she got home to even leave my house. I should've seen it coming. There are so many should have's. But, people tell me it was out of my control. I admit the first time, I couldn't really do anything, sure. I didn't know what it was. The second time though, it's harder to believe. I really wish I could understand and fully believe it wasn't my fault, but I don't know what will make me truly believe it.
I know God loves me. I know He's hurting with me. I know that. But, do I believe it? Not totally. I should not say that, or at all question that, but I do. It's really hard not to. After reading Isaiah 43:1-3, I feel a little better, and I can feel God. But I still have one conflict that I'm battling with: why'd He let this happen? He gave everyone a gift, and it was taken from me. I was going to save myself for the right man. Now, I can't. It was really hard to sit and listen to Mike talk about this stuff, even though he was talking about sex as a choice. But, I wish I could still be pure. I wish I still had the gift to "open". I wish I wasn't scarred or hurt. I wish I could still trust men. I wish had everything back.
I know all this doesn't define me. Again, it's really hard to believe. To me, this is who I am. I am a cutter. I am an emotional wreck. I am unwanted. I am a ton of things. I have a hard time dealing with people leaving. I always will. I have a hard time with being adopted, especially because my dad intentionally left me. I always will. It's his fault I had to be given up. I have a hard time with releasing my feelings in a healthy way. I always will. I have a hard time believing that people care. I always will. I have a hard time with a lot of things, and always will. These things make up me. Maybe not define, but to me, it sure seems like they do. But, I know I should be defined as one thing, and one thing only, a child of God. Honestly though, I don't know how or what to do. Or if there's even anything I can do.
I know I shouldn't turn to this, but I do. I believe in this way. It distracts, it relieves, it helps. But, I'm told I should turn to the Lord instead. However, since I believe in this way, it's difficult to go to Him.
I know it's not the right way out of things, but I don't believe it completely. I'm so close, and so want to. It'll be a lot easier, for everyone. I won't have to deal with all this any longer. I can finally be done with it all. I can be at peace. But, she tells me otherwise. She says the only way I can be at peace is through Him.
I know so many things. People tell me over and over, but I'm battling with myself. And, I'm not winning. I should've, I wish, I am and always will. I know I should believe the things she says, and I'm trying, but it's extremely difficult. I guess it all comes down to me questioning why even though I shouldn't.
Saturday, February 14, 2009
Valentine's Day
On this Valentine's Day,
I don't have a special someone,
a person I gave me heart to.
But, I have friends who I've handed my trust, my life.
Today's a day to remind me
how much I love them,
how much I care about them.
Today's a day to remind me
how truly thankful I am for them,
for keeping me going.
Today's a day to remind me
how much I appreciate them
sticking by me no matter what.
Today's a day to remind me
how much they help even though the may not understand,
or how much they are trying to understand so they can help.
Everyday I love them.
Everday I care about them.
Everyday I appreciate them and am thankful.
But today's a day to remind me of exactly how much I do,
exactly how much they matter to me.
Sarah Sweigard, Anna Bona, Britti Johnson- I can't even begin to explain in words how much I love you guys. You are always there, even wayy into the night. I don't understand why you guys haven't left yet or haven't given up. When I ask, you say it's because you love me. It's hard to get those words through. It's hard to accept those words when the person who said them last ended up leaving or hurting me. I wish there were something I could do to show the amount of appreciation and love I have for you. But, nothing ever could. It's such a huge amount. I love you guys sooo much and I hope I never lose you.
I don't have a special someone,
a person I gave me heart to.
But, I have friends who I've handed my trust, my life.
Today's a day to remind me
how much I love them,
how much I care about them.
Today's a day to remind me
how truly thankful I am for them,
for keeping me going.
Today's a day to remind me
how much I appreciate them
sticking by me no matter what.
Today's a day to remind me
how much they help even though the may not understand,
or how much they are trying to understand so they can help.
Everyday I love them.
Everday I care about them.
Everyday I appreciate them and am thankful.
But today's a day to remind me of exactly how much I do,
exactly how much they matter to me.
Sarah Sweigard, Anna Bona, Britti Johnson- I can't even begin to explain in words how much I love you guys. You are always there, even wayy into the night. I don't understand why you guys haven't left yet or haven't given up. When I ask, you say it's because you love me. It's hard to get those words through. It's hard to accept those words when the person who said them last ended up leaving or hurting me. I wish there were something I could do to show the amount of appreciation and love I have for you. But, nothing ever could. It's such a huge amount. I love you guys sooo much and I hope I never lose you.
Sunday, February 8, 2009
disappointed, discouraged, ashamed, embarrassed, and low
I've never felt so disappointed, discouraged, ashamed, embarrassed, and low in my life. I practiced my solo a million times and nailed it each time. But, that was only at voice lessons.
The night before contest, I was starting to feel anxoius, excited, and nervous. My friend Mike encouraged me and I settled down a little. I went to bed, looking forward to ISSMA the next morning. I got up and didn't feel nervous at all. But, as I started getting ready and driving there, I was scared to death. There were little things that I was worried about in my song, and I tried singing it in the car on the way, but I forgot the words. It definitely made things nerve-wrecking. But, I called my friend Anna, who was getting ready for a track meet in Virginia, and she made me feel a lot better. I was standing outside my room waiting to go in. I was shaking I was so nervous. I turned around, and my best friend Monica had actually showed up to see me sing! That kind of relieved me, because she's one of the people who helps me focus before a meet. People from choir came up to me, gave me hugs, and wished me luck, and it made me feel a tad better, but not really, because it was more pressure. I went into my room, and got ready to sing. In the room with me was Monica, my dad, Pastor Ken and Beth, LJ, Nancy Gray, Kirsten, Cheryl, Kevin, Jef and Juanita, Shannon, and Hobbs. I looked at Juanita and nodded for her to start my song. I don't really remember much after that except that my voice cracked in the middle of the song and my breath support was terrible because nerves got the best of me. I turned around to look at Juanita after I sang. I was soo angry with how I did.
I totally bombed my solo. I let everyone down, especially Hobbs. I'm in trebs. I'm not supposed to suck like I did. I had so much pressure on me that I couldn't relax. And, I don't know Shannon, and I know she was just trying to be supportive, but she really made me more nervous. After I finished singing, everyone left the room and dispersed to other rooms where other choir people were singing. I stood outside my room with Monica and my dad. I heard Juanita yell for me. I looked over and saw my card. Before I could physically get it, I saw an S on it. Not a G. I had gotten a silver, a second. I started balling. I was so pissed and angry and ashamed and disappointed. I knew I could've done better. But, I didn't. The one time my solo counted, I butchered it. I couldn't believe it. I think I cried on Monica's shoulder for 15 minutes. I was so upset. I'm not supposed to be second best. Trebs are the people who are higher than other girls. I was ashamed. I still can't believe how I did yesterday. I called Anna crying. I told her I never want to sing again. She made me feel better some. But, I was still really angry. I was going to bring home a gold for her, but I let her down. I failed. She wasn't mad at me or disappointed with how I did, but I knew I could've done better for her. I wanted that gold more than anything. People keep saying not to beat myself up over this. But, my voice is the only thing I have going for me. It's the one thing I'm good at. I knew I couldn't done better, but I blew it. And I'll never let myself down for it.
The night before contest, I was starting to feel anxoius, excited, and nervous. My friend Mike encouraged me and I settled down a little. I went to bed, looking forward to ISSMA the next morning. I got up and didn't feel nervous at all. But, as I started getting ready and driving there, I was scared to death. There were little things that I was worried about in my song, and I tried singing it in the car on the way, but I forgot the words. It definitely made things nerve-wrecking. But, I called my friend Anna, who was getting ready for a track meet in Virginia, and she made me feel a lot better. I was standing outside my room waiting to go in. I was shaking I was so nervous. I turned around, and my best friend Monica had actually showed up to see me sing! That kind of relieved me, because she's one of the people who helps me focus before a meet. People from choir came up to me, gave me hugs, and wished me luck, and it made me feel a tad better, but not really, because it was more pressure. I went into my room, and got ready to sing. In the room with me was Monica, my dad, Pastor Ken and Beth, LJ, Nancy Gray, Kirsten, Cheryl, Kevin, Jef and Juanita, Shannon, and Hobbs. I looked at Juanita and nodded for her to start my song. I don't really remember much after that except that my voice cracked in the middle of the song and my breath support was terrible because nerves got the best of me. I turned around to look at Juanita after I sang. I was soo angry with how I did.
I totally bombed my solo. I let everyone down, especially Hobbs. I'm in trebs. I'm not supposed to suck like I did. I had so much pressure on me that I couldn't relax. And, I don't know Shannon, and I know she was just trying to be supportive, but she really made me more nervous. After I finished singing, everyone left the room and dispersed to other rooms where other choir people were singing. I stood outside my room with Monica and my dad. I heard Juanita yell for me. I looked over and saw my card. Before I could physically get it, I saw an S on it. Not a G. I had gotten a silver, a second. I started balling. I was so pissed and angry and ashamed and disappointed. I knew I could've done better. But, I didn't. The one time my solo counted, I butchered it. I couldn't believe it. I think I cried on Monica's shoulder for 15 minutes. I was so upset. I'm not supposed to be second best. Trebs are the people who are higher than other girls. I was ashamed. I still can't believe how I did yesterday. I called Anna crying. I told her I never want to sing again. She made me feel better some. But, I was still really angry. I was going to bring home a gold for her, but I let her down. I failed. She wasn't mad at me or disappointed with how I did, but I knew I could've done better for her. I wanted that gold more than anything. People keep saying not to beat myself up over this. But, my voice is the only thing I have going for me. It's the one thing I'm good at. I knew I couldn't done better, but I blew it. And I'll never let myself down for it.
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